You're Not One of Those Wired Fags...

...although the smell of brewing coffee makes you a little bit ill, you definitely get a bit surly if you haven't had your two liter daily quota of Diet Pepsi. So after a lost weekend on Fire Guyland (where there was nary a Pepsi product to be found), it's probably not the wisest idea to email your Swedie Pi about getting together. You had a few back and forth emails over the weekend, but any information he offered up seemed a bit unnecessarily vague, especially since he never suggested getting together. However Swedie Pi definitely did mention the fact that he was leaving town for Mallorca in a few days. Although his signals are definitely mixed, you did have a fantastic first date so you decide it's worth sending a casual email to test the waters: "hey, i've returned from the gayer island to the merely gay island. i'm exhausted and need a vacation! how was your weekend? got any time for a libra before you jet away to mallorca?"

While you wait for Swedie Pi's response, the Libra in you begins to weigh all the different scenarios of how this Dating Don't email will come back to haunt you. You decided long ago that Mixed Signals were just as irritating as Mixed Bars. You don't take it personally anymore, because you know that even if Swedie Pi is unsure of the way he feels about you, Mr. Right, on the other hand, will be very clear. The reason you know this is true because, after years of dating, you've learned, first and foremost, to always trust your own feelings. When you feel ambivalent about a boy, you tend to act ambivalent. And when you're really into a boy, you are always willing to prioritize and clear your busy dating schedule around spending time together. But Swedie Pi seems to be playing his Tarot Cards ridiculously close to his smooth Nordic chest. If He's Just Not That Into You, then why does he keep sending emails? Or on the off chance that he is into you, then why wouldn't he suggest getting together before he leaves for Spain? And you're even more confused when you receive his reply, "Want to meet up for lunch or coffee early afternoon? I can come to your hood."

Lunch or coffee? For a second date? Before he leaves the country for two weeks? Not to mention the fact that you receive the lunch offer at 12:51pm... Now you may be wrong (even though you're not), but you really don't see the possibility of having sex arise after lunch or *gasp* coffee. You don't even want to think about kissing Swedie Pi's Coffee Breath. Ugh. And although you don't (typically) mind playing it a bit Gay Slow and waiting for the third date to have sex, the fact that Swedie Pi is leaving the country on Wednesday seems to make the possibility of a third date seem as remote and foreign as Mallorca itself. But here's what really confuses you: Why does Swedie Pi want to get together at all? Why doesn't he just tell you he's too busy? Does he just want to be friends? Ugh. Honey, you have too many friends as it is! Anyway. You reply a bit tentatively, while passive-aggressively fishing for a date that could involve a cocktail or possibly bottle of wine over dinner: "just got your email. not sure if you meant today, or if there's just a delay in your email? regardless, today won't work for me. tues or wed would be okay though. not sure when you leave." There is no delay in his next response, however, and you are shocked to receive this: "Yeah today. Tomorrow I work all day and evening, wednesday it's Chelsea gallery day with a friend. But why don't we get a nice breakfast somewhere wednesday morning? You up for that?"

A nice breakfast?! How do you go from having one of the best, most romantic first dates you've ever had, to some lousy breakfast date? Ewwww! No thank you! Unless, of course, you're being served breakfast in bed, you have absolutely no interest in going on that date! How could two people have such a completely different take on each other? You begin to feel like you may finally be losing your mind until you remember the adorable waitress at Cafe Gitane who thought that you and Swedie Pi had been dating for months! Even she noticed the chemistry! But you are actually more intrigued than ever by Swedie Pi's bizarre retreat and you are curious to see how this one plays out, so you decide to make yourself a bit more available: "i've got a doctor's appointment at 11am on wednesday, so breakfast might be cutting it too close. maybe i could make tonight could work. i've got an event at 6:30 on west 48th but maybe i could meet you beforehand? i know a few bars in that area but, since i don't drink coffee, i never know any coffee places. do you know of any place nearby?"

Swedie Pi slowly returns your emails throughout the afternoon and eventually he suggests you meet him at Coffee Pot on Ninth Ave & 49th Street at 5pm. He is waiting for you when, of course, you arrive five minutes late. The place is a dump. Zero atmosphere. And when you get there, something seems a bit off. There's no enthusiastic hello. At all. And you're not sure why, maybe it's because of the harsh florescent lighting combined with the bright sunlight streaming through the window, or possibly it's because you are drinking plain Iced Tea instead of your preferred brand, Long Island, but Swedie Pi looks older. Much older. The lines around his eyes seem to scream "I lied on my profile!" But regardless of this unexpected wrinkle, there is one thing that is absolutely for sure: All of the magic from the first date is missing. Without a Trace. The whole time you are annoyed because it just seems like Swedie Pi has agreed to meet you to throw you a fucking bone! Without throwing you his bone! As if you don't have better things to do than to fill an hour and a half of your day with conversation about his retired mother! But honestly, at this ridiculous point in the date you realize that you will never see this boy again so you just go through the motions. Suppressing yawns and irritation and substituting them with more and more questions, mostly to evade having to answer anything probing that he might ask, because, honestly, you have shut down. How can you go on more and more of these ridiculous dates? You'd love to ask Mr. Owl "How many dates does it take to get to the center of a Charm(less) 'Mo Top?"

When you look at your watch you are shocked to see that it's only 6pm! You already told Swedie Pi that your next party began at 6:30, and since your BFF isn't going to show up until then, you pull some more questions out of your ass just to keep the conversation going for another half hour. At this point you can't help but be shocked by the fact that your last date lasted five hours and you were actually bummed when it ended! But after an hour and a half of Swedie Pi's monologue you remind him that you must get going, and just as you begin to put on your jacket he throws you a doosey that you weren't expecting. You are practically heading out the door when Swedie Pi asks, "So what's the title of your novel? And what's it about?" You feel like the Meryl Streep character from Death Becomes Her after she gulps down the anti-aging potion and her Voodoo doctor says, "And now for a warning..." You almost scream out, "Now a question?!" but you don't even have any interest in being funny at this point so you just tell him, "It's called The Convertible Life." And, although you are annoyed by the immense question that Swedie Pi has casually asked just you as you are literally walking out the door, you give him a brief synopsis about how it's about an adoption search that completely changes the protagonist's life. But you are absolutely shocked when Swedie Pi has the gall to say, "That sounds too serious." You really can't believe the inane direction that the conversation has turned, but you are on the street so you just smirk and roll your eyes as you say, "Well I'm a very serious guy." Swedie Pi gives you a double euro kiss goodbye and you head over to Wired Magazine's 15th Anniversary Party with your BFF at Highbar and get wired on anything but coffee while you peer over the roof deck and wave Buh-Bye to your Swedie Pi. Anyway...