HEY YOU! You're Not One of Those Flirty Frat Boy Fags...

...but after three long years in a college relationship, you suddenly feel more like one of those Homeschooled Homos.

Hey You!

How did you cope with the breakup with your ex for the following months? After a 3 year relationship, my boyfriend and I have decided to break up. I'm going to grad school in a different city and he's going to be working in a lab for awhile. He also sees us having radically different long term goals and that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to compromise either of our futures for the other. He's been the only boyfriend I've ever had, so I'm very nervous about being able to find a new relationship with where I'm going. I feel that he fills my every niche and that we have such a solid rapport that maybe this is someone that I want to try an open relationship with in case things don't work out for either of us in the future.

Anyways, I was just wondering if this relationship mirrors you and your ex at all. It looks like that you guys still have a very good relationship today and we plan to have that too. I was just wondering if you were also a fresh-faced newbie after that relationship and any tips you had to get over that first hurdle and start dating. For all I know, you may just have had the balls to go for it and mingle. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks! :)

Sincerely,
Homeschooled Homo

Fagnote #1, To be played while reading Your response...


Dear Homeschooled Homo,

I got chills reading your letter. Although my erect nipples probably have more to do with the the air conditioning, my goosebumps are definitely related to the déjà vu I feel when reading about your situation. Just like you, I, too, was a Homeschooled Homo. Soon after coming out, I was snatched up and hidden away in a Long Term Relationship that began sometime around the Dawn of Gay Man. I was twenty-two when we first met and after a decade or so I suddenly found myself in your position. Only I was thirtysomething and I had never ever been on a date!

But enough about me. As usual, I digress. Now who were we talking about again? Oh that's right. You! First of all, you should feel lucky. I know that might be hard to digest right about now, but you, my friend, are one of the fortunate boys who has experienced a wonderful, loving, long term relationship. Do you know how many boys I date who are hovering around forty and haven't ever dated a boy for more than three months? Hey, wait a minute. Why are we talking about me again? Obviously writing in the First Person does not suit me. Anyway. Trust me when I tell you that you have definitely learned some valuable life lessons from your three year relationship that boys twice your age still have yet to learn. Just like those socially retarded Homeschooled kids (see fagnote #1, above), you, my faggy friend, are a Three Year Old reading at the Seventh Grade Level.

Okay, now here's the bad news. Getting over a relationship will take as long as it takes. From what you said, it sounds like your breakup may be more of your Ex's choice than yours. That's hard to accept because you have no recourse in the matter. If one boy doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, then from that exact moment there is no more relationship. I do worry that your Ex sees you two as having "radically different long term goals." That sentence slightly reeks of some good ol' Chelsea Boy Double Speak that might translate into "I want to be fucking someone radically different than you." Regardless, I am sure that he loves you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings because nobody wants to hurt anybody they love, even when he's dumping you. And this is always what makes it extra confusing to be the Dumpster.

But I am only concerned with you, so regardless of your Ex's intentions, here's what's jumping out at me about your letter. First of all you say, "He's been the only boyfriend I've ever had, so I'm very nervous about being able to find a new relationship." Whoa, boy! What's the rush? The Speed Limit is only 15 miles per hour in a Homeschooled Zone! The bad thing about being a Homeschooled Homo is that we haven't been properly socialized for this very complicated big gay world. After all, we've only had one teacher for all that time. In every subject no less! Now, I don't know your Ex, but, like the rest of us, I'm guessing he has his strengths as well as his weaknesses. However, being his only pupil you probably have no idea which qualities (or quantities) are strengths and which are not so strong (or long)! But now that you have graduated Homeschool and will soon be a Grad School Gay, you might find that there might be better teacher for some of the more advanced subjects. Maybe even a tenured Professor! My advice is when you're ready to start the new semester, you should fill your schedule with lots and lots of asses. Oops, I meant to write classes. Out, damn'd Typos! Out, I say!

Okay, Lady Macbeth, moving on. You go on to say, "I feel that he fills my every niche." Now I'm going to be so bold to say that, although you may be right, the good news is that you are probably wrong! But you won't know until that cute little niche of yours pulls itself into an unfamiliar Ass Station (again with the Typos! There should probably be a G in there somewhere...) and tell the Full Service Attendant to "Fill 'er up!" Be sure you try all the different Filling Stations around town, as well as all the various grades of Fuel ('87, '89, and even a '92 if he's legal). Gas is very expensive these days so it's definitely worth shopping around! Who knows? You might actually realize that you like the knocks and pings that you only get from the cheaper grades...

Lastly, you say that, "we have such a solid rapport that maybe this is someone that I want to try an open relationship with in case things don't work out for either of us in the future." Okay, now I can only talk from my own perspective but I think that this Open Relationship crap is bullshit. To me it's a really unfortunate way to put a dying relationship on Life Support. I have two words for you: Terri Schiavo! Pull the fucking plug already! Honestly, when I find out that some cute boy is in an Open Relationship I run screaming. I have absolutely no interest in being Wife #2. Since you two will be in different cities then why not just see what single life brings you? Does this mean that when you go to visit your Ex that you two can't rekindle the old flame(r)? Hell no! You know why? Because you'll be single! The beauty of being a Single Gay Boy is that you get to do whatever and whomever you want! You want to kiss that cute boy who bought you a Gay Cocktail? Go for it! Hell, kiss the damn bartender who's serving it to you! Basically I think being Single is a lot less complicated than being in an Open Relationship. And who wants to further complicate their gay lives? Isn't it already hard enough to find the latest. perfect fitting designer jeans on the clearance rack? Or the correct length to trim your chest hair this summer? (I've been hearing that Hairy is the new Smooth...) Trust me, if breaking up makes you both realize that you were meant to be together, then that's what will end up happening! A relationship is about two people who want the same thing. At the same time.

Okay, I feel like I may have come off as a bit harsh, but you do know that all my Blah-Blah-Blah is just my opinion and, unlike Dr. Phil, not only am I not even a fake Doctor, but I don't even have a name! So please, take what I say with a shaker of salt. When it comes to dating, only you will know when you are ready to post your Manhunt profile. Trust me, dating is not for the fey of heart. It's a big gay world out there and there are a lot of jaded gay boys who think they've got it all figured out. Whatever! Who cares about them! The good news is that you don't have it all figured out! So, when you decide you're ready, you get to start tasting all the different assorted chocolates in the big gay box of Godiva. Just remember never to spit out the ones you don't like. Always be sure to put them carefully back in the box, because someone else (possibly even me) will be very happy to find that particular flavor later on!

Meanwhile, in terms of coping with the breakup, there is nothing more important right now than to get some support from your friends and family. And a few Gay Cocktails never hurt either... But you might want to steer clear of hooking up for a while. Always use your friend's shoulders to cry on, so you can save Mr. Right Now's muscled shoulders for sighing upon later on.

xoxo You!

PS-Think I'm full of shit? Got some better advice for the Homeschooled Homo? Leave it for him in the form of a comment (see link below)!

Are you one of those Fags with a hairy gay dating problem that manscaping alone will not solve? Want to know how You would handle it? Send an email to: Hey_You [at] 2ndPerson [dot] net