...anymore. But you're still in training and need a lots and lots of Gay Practice before you graduate from Bench Warmer to Bun Warmer.
Hey You!
Although I'm more of a Football Fan, a couple of weeks ago I met this Soccer Player who I thought was really cute.
Since I was just beginning to break into the gay community (I've been out for only a couple of months), I was just kind of desperate for a connection. With every new day of flirting with him via text message, I realize I could do so much better than this guy. We've even gone on a few dates, but after going to a club with him I realized he's really not my style, and I'm not even attracted to him anymore.
Unfortunately, I've been leading him on for two weeks now. A simple friendship would be nice, because I'm likely to see him around at various parties and gay events around town.
So I'm wondering, "What's the best way to put a stop to this avant-relationship that has gone on for two weeks too long, when I've been shining the green light for two weeks?"
Yours,
Football Fanatic
Fagnote #1, to be played while reading Your response...
Dear Football Fanatic,
I have two words for you. David Beckham! But that, my friend, is the extent of all my sports knowledge. Thank God he married Posh Spice or I probably would never have even heard of him! Meanwhile, your Dating Dilemma reminds me of that scene in Risky Business where the Tranny Hooker shows up at Tom Cruise's house and tells him, "When you buy a TV, you don't buy Sony if you want RCA..." But honestly I don't think you should be buying anything at the moment. You should definitely be going down the Rent-To-Own route for quite some time before you decide which gayborhood you want to settle down in. The good news is that I think you already realize this!
Here's the other good news: the Soccer Player probably realizes this, too! Just like the Rebound Rule where everybody knows to steer clear of someone freshly out of a relationship, it's kind of an unwritten gay law to stay far away from boys when they first come out of the closet. The Breeders have it easy since they are actually bred to be straight and encouraged to learn the Ins and Outs of dating as early as Middle School! But us fags have it a bit harder. We pretty much pretend we're straight until we come out of the closet, and then, when we finally do admit to ourselves and the rest of the world that we're gay, we don't have a clue about what it really means! Although we somehow innately always know which grooming products to use, which designer jeans to buy, and which Carbs to avoid so that we don't end up becoming Straight Fat, most of us have not had parents who sat us down during puberty to tell us all about the Birds and the Birds. And instead of encouraging our compulsive need to dress and accessorize our little sister's naked Barbie Dolls, our parents forbade us from setting foot in Malibu Barbie's Dream House (even to give Gay Ken some redecorating tips)!
The good news is that, now that you've come out of the closet, you get to do all of this, and more! How are you gonna know if you're a good kisser if you settle down with the first Soccer Player you make-out with? Remember, practice makes perfect (see fagnote #1, above). Meanwhile, you've just learned a valuable lesson. If you're just not that into a boy, then don't send out all those signals (or texts). Your change of heart might be confusing for him initially, but you have the best excuse and it's not even a lie! You just came out of the closet and you're not ready to get serious with anybody. Think about it. How many of your seventh grade Gal Pals settled down with the first boy that asked them to hold hands during the Couples Skate at Rollerama? I'm guessing NONE! And if on the off chance I'm wrong, then I'm guessing the poor Gal Pal in question has a really shitty sex life.
Okay, so here's my advice. And it's really, really good advice that took me at least thirtysomething years to figure out. If you don't want to make a big deal out of an issue, then don't make it a big deal! If you don't like the boy, then don't lead him on with smiley faced texts! If he gives you a booty call, then call him back, the next day! If you just want a simple friendship, then treat him like a simple friend! Make sure your actions send out the correct signals (that you just want to be friends), and you may not even need to have the awkward conversation at all. Gay Boys are vapid, not stupid! However, if you really do want to be friends and keep him in your life (and I think it would be really smart for you to start making a Gay Posse of Friends Without Benefits), then you should really just tell him how you feel. But do it simply! If he has a big crush on you then, as Elton John would say to Kiki Dee, Don't Go Breaking His Heart. Tell him you like him, but you see him as more of a friend. You don't need to make a big deal out of it either. I think it's something that would be best said in person, but I'd only enter that scrimmage game if the Soccer Player in question has passed you the ball. Think of yourself as the Goalie who has to Cock-Block his big Soccer Balls without letting him score any more points, because, after all, this game is definitely over. Now it's time to start playing the field, but always remember, just as with Football, Soccer or Rollerskating, when it comes to Gay Dating, Practice Makes Purrfect!
xoxo You!
PS-Think I'm full of shit? Got some better advice for the Football Fanatic? Leave it for him in the form of a comment (see link below)!
Are you one of those Fags with a hairy gay dating problem that manscaping alone will not solve? Want to know how You would handle it? Send an email to: Hey_You [at] 2ndPerson [dot] net
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
HEY YOU! You're Not One of Those Closeted Football Fags...
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12 comments:
I love that you posted a gay pimp video!
D. Kareem
Does anyone read your blog over the age of 23?
I will have to think of a grown up, self-adjusted gay question for you.
And can you do a poll - are guys wearing board shorts or speedos this summer?
-NPBPB
Great advice. I hope he takes it well. I've transitioned from flirty to friendly with most of gay friends and as long as no one is in love, it usually works out pretty well.
I think what it boils down to is, its called dating for a reason. You date the person to see if you like them or not. If you do like them, and you both mesh, then it moves up a notch to couple status.
as for the board shorts or speedo question, both are always in style, but like any other articles of clothing in our closets, there is a time and a place. If I go to a straight party, I wear board shorts. If I go to a gay party or Palm Springs, I pull out my hot little bikini style bathing suit.
p.s. the name brand Speedo doesn't make anything that is actually flattering. Try CN2.
I've found that Speedo's square cut fitness styles are great. They're pretty flattering and quite fashionable. I own two of them. Just make sure you buy a size bigger than you think, because they actually run a little small.
Such good advise NOT to make it a big deal when You are telling a guy You see him more like a friend. Doesn't life have enough drama without us fags adding more?
Mark :-)
Oh Shane, your comments always crack me up almost as much as the advertisements that Google puts on my Blah-Blah-Blog!
My big purchase for the season was a skimpy little speedo that I've probably already outgrown... It's a lovely shade of Martha Stewart green. www.clevermoda.com
I clearly have the upper hand, Google pays you to make you laugh, I do it all for free. lol.
I love the skimpy little speedoesq bikinis. The only downfall of them are, that whilst at gay functions, if the moment of "excitement" decides to take over, they pretty much answer the (g)age old question about certain guys at parties........
I WONDER HOW HUNG HE IS?
lmfao
Lawwwd!! That is a skimpy-ass swimsuit!
What are you trying to say, ATL? That I'm fat? ;)
Meanwhile, everybody should take their A.D.D. medication and focus on the Football Fanatics Dating Dilemma! Although, now I find myself picturing the Football Fanatic in a Skimpy Speedo... Nice!
Not at all! I'd never call anyone fat to his face or his blog. It's just that I could never wear anything like that. That's why I like the square cuts, cuz it covers my ass in just the right places and holds in the boys! ;)
Wait, I am having trouble seeing the details in the little itty bitty pictures on their website. But me thinks it's UNDERWEAR?
Gasp, are You the type of fag who wears underwear on the beach. Bigger gasp - what is up with guys wearing their Calvins while sunbathing at the Christopher Street Pier? I mean...
-NPBPB
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