You're Not One of Those Political Fags...

...but the TSA Agent at the Palm Beach International Airport Security Check seems to think you might be some sort of Gay Terrorist. Okay, it's true, you do live on the Lower East Side, but if you were going to blow something up to make a political statement, your target would more likely be Splash than some random JetBlue flight filled with Snowbirds from Boca. You are not-so-politely asked to stand aside as he sends your backpack through the X-ray machine for another scan, and when it fails the second test you are asked to stand quietly behind a yellow line so you can watch helplessly as the Transportation Security Asshole rifles through your extremely well packed bag. Although being an Anal Retentive traveler makes you constipated, the silver lining is that your bags look as if they've been packed by a Professional Folder at The Gap.

The Transportation Security Asshole pulls so many things out of your little backpack that a small crowd of Breeders begins to form around you "Oohing" and "Aahing" as if the Clown Car at the Circus has just arrived. As the TSAsshole digs further, you begin to worry about what embarrassing thing might be uncovered, and that's when he starts inspecting your liquids. Now, being one of those Felix Unger Fags, you don't bother with one of those flimsy quart-sized Ziploc bags. You, my friend, spent hours in The Container Store looking for clever travel ideas that will enhance your vacations (mostly as a distraction from procrastinwriting), and you found this wonderful little, quart-sized Clear Zippered Cube that works wonderfully. Meanwhile, since it's not a silly Ziploc the TSAsshole starts to empty all of your liquids, including your measly three ounce allotment of Astroglide Lube, to see if it fits into a damn Ziploc. Now, you want to say, "A quarts a quart, right?" but you keep your trap shut as another chunky TSAsshole pulls you aside with his metal-detecting wand and tells you to, "Spread 'em," in a way that completely ruins an on-going arrest fantasy you've had since your very first foray into Gay Porn. You suddenly have the urge to tell them that if they're looking for your bomb that you packed that into your checked luggage, but, thankfully, you bite your tongue as the first TSAsshole finds the offending object and, ironically, pulls a stainless steel Tongue Scraper from your bag. You had no idea that good oral health was so important to Al Qaeda. But you digress.

After your Impromptu Strip Search, you repack your own bag (mostly because you can't bear to watch the TSAsshole attempt to amateurishly shove your professionally trained Ringling Brothers' Clowns back into your little VW Beetle backpack), you somehow still have time to wait at the gate and are absolutely thrilled to get a call from Mr. Write. Although you don't typically love talking on the phone with people you barely know, you are amazed at how easy it is to shoot the breeze with him. You tell the Non-Jewish Jew all about spending Passover with The Ex's family. He thinks it's funny that three and a half years after you and The Ex broke up, that you're the one flying down to Florida to celebrate Pesach with his Aunts and Uncles when The Ex is nowhere to be found! Well, The Ex did actually put in a phoner from LA, but you, my friend, were the one treated like Manna from Heaven since you actually showed up for the Matzoh Fest. You know The Ex's family all secretly want you two to get back together, but you have your sights set on spending your next Passover, not necessarily in Israel, but if everything goes well with your current ridiculous fantasy and it doesn't need a Mr. ReWrite, then perhaps you will be saying The Four Questions next year with Mr. Write's family?

Although you are literally surrounded by babies on the plane, they miraculously sleep during the your uneventful night flight back to JFK. In fact, they are such good babies that by the time you get back to your Home Sweet Hovel you find yourself willing to trade in your Hobosexual Roommate for a complete set of Screaming Septuptlets because at least they would be breast fed and wouldn't have left the kitchen literally overflowing with dirty fucking dishes. But the filth doesn't get to you because you have a cute tan and a date with your cute Playwright tomorrow. Anyway.

The day flies by and, uncharacteristically, you actually get a lot accomplished. Having a nice tan amongst millions of pasty New Yorkers seems to give you more energy, almost as if you've knocked back a bottle of Geritol. Luckily, summer (and your Summer Share in The Pines) is right around the corner and you'll have this kind of Vitamin D energy all the time! But you're getting way ahead of yourself. Right now you need to concentrate on looking cute for your dinner date with Mr. Write. He suggests getting drinks at the same place you had your first date, North Square, and although the repeated date doesn't seem all that inspired, you weren't offering him any better ideas so you happily agreed. At the very least you know it will be quiet and romantic.

When you arrive, Mr. Write is sitting at a table and, as if on cue, the waiter immediately comes over to take your drink order. The Absolut Vodka flows as smoothly as the Absolut-ly engaging conversation does. You like talking to Mr. Write almost as much as you like looking at him. The two of you discuss the reading of his most recent play and about how the Lead Actress made an unfortunate accent choice which Mr. Write mimics so perfectly that you can't help but expose your dimples along with a big hearty laugh. You quickly realize that he has just passed one of your five deal breaking tests: any boy that you're going to get serious with must be able to make you laugh. Seriously. You think back to Blonde Beard and although he definitely wrote some witty emails, in person he was somehow more reserved. Instead of guffaws, Blonde Beard seemed to produce more of an overall "awwww" quality. But right about now, as you are laughing heartily across the table you wonder what exactly was so awe inspiring about Blonde Beard's sense of humor?

After a few drinks, you both wind up being too lazy to leave the bar and decide to let the Cocktail Waitress carry your heavy beverages and your even heavier tab over into the dining room. You both order light fish dishes as you both, ironically, begin to fish into each other's past. Mr. Write tells you how he doesn't really do much dating. Especially online dating. And then he quickly begins to offer a little too much information about the Sociopath he dated during/after he left a four year (open) relationship. And then was promptly dumped. Since Mr. Write said he doesn't date much, you find yourself wondering if the Sociopath was actually a sociopath, or more likely just resided in Chelsea-opath? If there's one thing you've learned from three years of dating, it's that boys in New York are fickle, especially when they find themselves in any sort of an emotional pickle. However you aren't really too concerned about the Sociopath's particular details, since none of it really matters to you. What does matter is that it seems to matter to Mr. Write. A lot. Especially since, for some unknown reason, he is talking about it on your first "official" date. Your Ex-Cousin-In-Law once told you that everything you need to know about a boy you learn on the first date. What you are learning right now is that Mr. Write seems to be equally enthusiastic about you as he is for the Sociopath (notice the present tense). And you don't like to share. Hell, if you're going to end up in a three-way then you definitely want to get some emotionally detached sex out of it! Yet Mr. Write seems to be quite attached. Now, you know you're not completely over Blonde Beard. Far from it, actually. But you do know better than to be yapping about your baggage on a date! What really annoys you is that Mr. Write was supposed to be your rebound, and yet you are quickly realizing that you are more likely his rebound. Whatever. What is also obvious is that although Mr. Write obviously isn't going to be Mr. Right, does this mean that you can't get some sex out of Mr. Write? Right?

After paying the check you walk out the side door and seamlessly segue the conversation onto the lighter topic of politics as you shamelessly segue your trajectory toward Mr. Write's one bedroom apartment off Union Square. You offer to look up the Pennsylvania Primary Election Returns on your iPhone for Mr. Write because he is a fanatical Hillary fan, and he's absolutely thrilled when you tell him that Hillary has been declared the winner! Although you're still torn between Obama and Hillary, you definitely like the idea of having a lesbian in the White House. You also think Bubba will make a wonderfully charismatic First Lady. And you definitely like the idea that Bill will be the last one buzzing his agenda into his wife's ear each night before they retire to their separate bedrooms. And really, how bad could ol' Hillary be if she named her kid after a gay neighborhood?

However, when you finally arrive at Mr. Write's building he kind of just stops and stands there. Almost as if you're supposed to say goodbye. You're so confused that you actually say, "Am I not coming upstairs?" Because if this was the case you certainly wouldn't have walked ten blocks out of your way just to say au revoir on the street. Hell, he already invited you up for a make-out session the first time you went out so what could be different this time? That's when Mr. Write informs you that you are allowed to come up, if you'd like, but he is definitely going to watch the Pennsylvania Returns on CNN. You agree to his odd terms (especially since Hillary has already won), but whatever. At least Mr. Write is passionate about something, right?

So you go upstairs and Mr. Write immediately turns the TV on with the remote as you immediately attempt to turn Mr. Write on with a kiss. His breath is so fresh and minty, which is nice, but the kisses seem to be lacking all the passion that his politics seem to have inherited. But this is okay because you love a challenge. So you pull Mr. Write down onto the couch and start to grind your hips against his as your hands disappear up his shirt. Touching his tight little body definitely works faster for you than taking a fistful of Viagra, however, although you're definitely ready to play a nice little game of "Intern in the White House," Mr. Write turns out to be the one who could use that fistful of Viagra. Only when you open your eyes you realize exactly why Mister Softee is not into you. Although you were busy getting lost in the moment with your eyes closed, Mr. Write was busy watching ol' Hillary on CNN. Now it is common knowledge, especially to Mrs. Clinton's husband who has practically admitted, in a court of law during his impeachment trial, that his wife is a bit of a turn-off. You're about to turn-off the damn television when the secret of Mr. Write's minty fresh breath actually falls from his mouth and lands on your cheek! You scream, "Are you chewing gum and making out with me?" as Mr. Write plucks the offensive Wrigley chunk from your face and gets up to throw it away. Only when he returns he sits down on the other sofa.

Obviously you are no competition for Hillary, so you stand up and tell Mr. Write that it's getting late and you should go home. He offers to walk you downstairs because he has to walk his dog, and although you're surprised that he'll leave his precious Hillary, you kind of think it's sweet. So you take the elevator and head down 14th Street toward the Sixth Avenue F train. After crossing Fifth Avenue, you all take a pit-stop so that the pooch can take a pee, and Mr. Write asks you if you have plans for this weekend? Although you're not sure you want to have another sexless bi-sexual three-way with Mr. Write and Mrs. Clinton, you do tell him that you have plans Thursday and on Sunday, but that, so far, you are free both weekend nights. That's when the dog is finally done with marking his territory, only Mr. Write doesn't seem to notice. Or move. So while you stand there wondering whether you're missing an F train, you find yourself asking, "How far do you usually walk your dog?" and Mr. Write says, "Oh just to the corner," as if he's just done you some big favor by extending the nightly walk and taking you all the way across the street. You quickly take the hint that Mr. Write has no intention of walking neither you, nor his lethargic dog, an extra half block to the subway station because, just like Obama, both you and the pooch have just lost out to Hillary Clinton. So you say, "Okay, well I'm gonna go now." As you give Mr. Write a peck goodbye as you finally decide that you are now unquestionably going to vote for Obama. Anyway...

You're Not One of Those Fags Who Wears Jewelry...

...but if you were wearing one of those Mood Rings from the '70s it would definitely be a lovely shade of Lavender right about now because you are feeling totally Gay in all derivations of the word! You are so excited about your rebound date tonight with Mr. Write and you figure that he is exactly what the Doctor prescribed in order for you to get over Blonde Beard, even though, for some reason, you're not particularly all that Broken-Up over the Non-Breakup of your Non-Relationship.

After a recent email-fest with Mr. Write, you have learned a lot about the boy. Not to mention the fact that you are definitely liking what you've learned. Except for the fact that he's a Red Sox fan, but he grew up in Boston so you can excuse him for being a fan of brightly colored footwear. Meanwhile, the most interesting thing you learned about Mr. Write is that you are both adopted Catholic boys. Although, unlike your Recovering Catholic Ass, Mr. Write was raised in a Jewish family! This little tidbit practically has you running out the door to start up a kosher wedding registry at Jeffrey (where you will make sure Mr. Write gets a few pairs of more subtly colored $200 socks). A fake Jewish Boy! Your heart begins to kvell as you think of all the fake Passovers you will have together! All that unleavened bread with none of the Jewish Guilt! And the best part is that you are younger than Mr. Write so you are forever guaranteed to say The Four Questions! Oy vey! This just gets better and better!

Even though you've already planned which gay retirement village in Boca that you'll spend your Golden Years Nair-ing away each other's graying back hairs and dying each other's grey chest hairs with Just For Men products, you decide to play this Internet Meet n' Greet by the rules that have always served you well. As usual, you suggest that Mr. Write should be the one to pick the place to grab drinks. This way you get a little insight into the kind of place Mr. Write likes to go, and also what kind of date he wants to have. For instance, if he picks Starbucks you can suddenly come down with a case of dirty hair that needs to be shampooed. However, Mr. Write suggests going to a straight place called North Square that you've never heard of. It's an interesting choice because, on one hand it's nice because you know he won't be distracted by Gay Boys with flatter abs than the new (post-surgery) you. But on the other hand, you won't get to find out if Mr. Write has a roving eye, which is always a good litmus test for a first date.

You take the F train to the infamous West 4th stop in Greenwich Village where Blonde Beard recently left you weeping about your Non-Breakup on the subway platform, and then you stroll gaily along Washington Square Park while you enjoy the warm and beautiful evening (which, of course, you take to be a very good omen). You're right on time and get to the bar before Mr. Write does, so you order a draft beer from a straight bartender with the most tragically gay haircut that is about as pathetic as a wet cat. Actually his 'doo kind of reminds you of Christian from Project Runway after someone threw his Flat Iron into the tub that he was bathing in. For some reason you find wet hair that isn't really wet to be thoroughly disturbing. But you digress. You take a sip of your beer and you look up as you are licking the foam from your upper lip and your heart almost skips a beat as Mr. Write walks into the bar. Definitely better looking in person. If that's even possible. Mr. Write is Drop Dead gorgeous. And, luckily for everybody involved, your memory of Blonde Beard is what has actually just Dropped Dead. You stand up and your face lights up with dimples, as does Mr. Write's. He walks down the steps to greet you, only now that you're both standing on the same level you finally realize Mr. Write's (for lack of a better word) shortcoming. Although you like to think of yourself as an above-average writer who happens to be merely of average height, you are definitely UPPERCASE to Mr. Write's lowercase stature. But when you get a good look at his goods, you quickly realize that it all evens out when you're lying in bed homozontally. As long as you don't smother his hot little frame.

You have a really nice chat. For over two hours. You even break your rule of ordering more than two drinks. Who are you kidding, you always break that rule... Anyway. You have loads to talk about and tons in common. You even have friends in common. As in plural. But you're just thrilled that he has friends, unlike Blonde Beard who, in comparison, seems like a bit of a hermit. You end up having to move away from the bar because a really loud, Red-Headed, Fag-less Fag Hag is giving you both migraines. The corner table you relocate to is definitely an upgrade. Dimly lit and very romantic. The conversation turns a bit intense and time seems to fly by so fast that you are actually shocked when Mr. Write informs you that he has to leave to meet a Director about a reading he's having tomorrow for one of his as-of-yet un-produced plays. And when the check comes Mr. Write reaches for it and nervously knocks over what's left of his Pineapple Martini (and yes, of course you made fun of Mr. Write for ordering such a girlie drink...) A table across the bar has a severe case of schadenfreude and they begin to laugh hysterically at Mr. Write's misfortune as they syrupy mess covers the table and begins to overflow onto the floor.

You split the wet check and have an awkward moment outside the bar. Although you have a strict handshaking rule for Meet n' Greet's, Mr. Write coaxes you into walking him home and you go along with it because it's a gorgeous evening and he's a gorgeous guy, and you want to prolong the date. Along the way your girlie bladder informs you that it has processed way too many manly beers, and you inform Mr. Write that, if you walk him home, that you will definitely need to use his bathroom. He worries about the mess factor, but willingly succumbs to your request even though he says his apartment is messy. The idea of a mess has you briefly worried that, like your roommate, he might be another Hobosexual who lives surrounded by his own filth, but this will be good information for you to receive before you send out your Wedding Shower Invitations. Luckily the super cute apartment turns out to be a Homosexual mess instead of a Hobosexual one, and after Mr. Write moves the one little offending pile of papers out of sight, his spacious 1BR on Union Square actually sparkles like Jesse Archer. After an awkward stare-fest, you end up breaking another one of your Meet n' Greet rules as you reply "Yes," to Mr. Write's adorable request for a kiss. You end up hunching a little (so that you don't end up giving him a hickey on his forehead), but the kiss is nice. Very nice. You, of course, quickly cop a feel, and the body beneath Mr. Write's shirt must actually belong to Mr. Right because, honey, there ain't nothin' at all Wrong with it.

You leave on an absolute high, but as you begin to walk to the subway you decide to swing by your Writing Space to see if the Shutterfly Photo Book you made for Blonde Beard's birthday has finally arrived. It has. Your natural high (coupled with your Beer Buzz) begins to quickly spiral downward as you flip through the Photo Book. You immediately go on an emotional journey of all the dates the two of you had ever gone on. And that's when it finally hits you. Since the initial Subway Sob-fest, you've been wondering why you haven't had a moment of sadness over the Non-Breakup with your Non-Boyfriend? You just wanted to be done with him and send the book off to him for some old fashioned literary closure, yet the book literally ends up closing you as you begin to shut down. How on earth are you suddenly back to this place of going out on first dates? Even though meeting Mr. Write was probably even better than your first date with Blonde Beard was, your mood begins to plummet and your imaginary Gay Mood Ring turns the very real color of Black while your heart foolishly wonders if you could dye it Blonde? Anyway...