HEY YOU! You're Not One of Those Closeted Fags...

...but what happens when the boy you have a huge crush on is still living in a massive Walk-In and using, *gasp* Wire Hangers?

Hey You!

When is outing people OK? If you have a huge crush (he's obviously gay, mostly determined by his lack interest in women, both in real life and according to his Facebook profile and is deliciously cute and somewhat flirty), can you just pointedly ask him out despite being completely closeted to all his friends and family? He's 22 and graduated from college. And there's slim pickin's around these parts when it comes to dateable boys.

I don't want to embarrass him out of the closet, but I really want to get him into my bed. Help me!

Sincerely,
Closet Cleaner

Fagnote #1


Dear Closet Cleaner,

Outing people is never okay! Especially when it comes to outing a closeted Blah-Blah-Blogger who is terrified he'll never get another date if his dirty little secret is revealed to the world! Oh, wait, you weren't talking about me, you were talking about You! Sometimes I get a bit confused when I have to write in the First Person...

You bring up two very interesting points that I'd like to yap about. First of all you ask about Outing a boy. Personally I don't believe in outing anybody. Well that's not really true, as I think people in the public eye have a unique opportunity to change popular opinion on the gays. Or, more specifically, unpopular opinion. If Anderson Cooper and Wentworth Miller and Tom Cruise and Ricky Martin and Clay Gaykin and LesLo ever came out of their closets then the world would be a much gayer place! Not to mention that it would make it much easier for your twenty-two year old college grad to ditch the bitch and make the switch! However, outing someone is a very emotionally violent thing to do and probably has more to do with the "Outer's" shit than the "Outee's." Back in college when I was still in the closet (hard to imagine now!), if someone had outed me, not only would I have vehemently denied it (with a stuttering lisp...), I would've also instantly hated them. And, from my experience, it's always a bit tough to get boys into bed when they hate you. Hell, it's hard enough to get them into bed when they like you! So if your ultimate goal is really to get into his pants, then you might want to leave his Levi's on the hanger in his closet!

However, your letter doesn't sound like you really want to out this boy. It seems like you'd rather just go out with him, and, honestly, I think that's a great idea! If you don't make a big deal about his sexuality then I doubt it will turn into a big deal. Be a bit ambiguous when you ask him out and he won't know if you want to be friends or friends with benefits! Since you aren't closeted then I'm sure his head will be spinning over your offer. He might even proclaim his straightness at the time, but don't let a little case of "The Lady Doth Protest Too Much" deter you. All you have to say at that point is, "It's not like I was asking you out on a date..." and send that homophobic ball back into his court, er, closet. If he says "yes," then you'll have to judge the situation to see if it's cool to start feeling around for some mothballs. Honestly, if he agrees to go out then it wouldn't surprise me if he's the one who brings up the gay thing. In that case you could just act all surprised and, of course, be as supportive as a Jock Strap!

xoxo You!

PS-Think I'm full of shit? Got some better advice for the Closet Cleaner? Leave it for him in the form of a comment (see link below)!

Are you one of those Fags with a hairy gay dating problem that manscaping alone will not solve? Want to know how You would handle it? Send an email to: Hey_You [at] 2ndPerson [dot] net

HEY YOU! You're Not One of Those Closeted Football Fags...

...anymore. But you're still in training and need a lots and lots of Gay Practice before you graduate from Bench Warmer to Bun Warmer.

Hey You!

Although I'm more of a Football Fan, a couple of weeks ago I met this Soccer Player who I thought was really cute.

Since I was just beginning to break into the gay community (I've been out for only a couple of months), I was just kind of desperate for a connection. With every new day of flirting with him via text message, I realize I could do so much better than this guy. We've even gone on a few dates, but after going to a club with him I realized he's really not my style, and I'm not even attracted to him anymore.

Unfortunately, I've been leading him on for two weeks now. A simple friendship would be nice, because I'm likely to see him around at various parties and gay events around town.

So I'm wondering, "What's the best way to put a stop to this avant-relationship that has gone on for two weeks too long, when I've been shining the green light for two weeks?"

Yours,
Football Fanatic

Fagnote #1, to be played while reading Your response...


Dear Football Fanatic,

I have two words for you. David Beckham! But that, my friend, is the extent of all my sports knowledge. Thank God he married Posh Spice or I probably would never have even heard of him! Meanwhile, your Dating Dilemma reminds me of that scene in Risky Business where the Tranny Hooker shows up at Tom Cruise's house and tells him, "When you buy a TV, you don't buy Sony if you want RCA..." But honestly I don't think you should be buying anything at the moment. You should definitely be going down the Rent-To-Own route for quite some time before you decide which gayborhood you want to settle down in. The good news is that I think you already realize this!

Here's the other good news: the Soccer Player probably realizes this, too! Just like the Rebound Rule where everybody knows to steer clear of someone freshly out of a relationship, it's kind of an unwritten gay law to stay far away from boys when they first come out of the closet. The Breeders have it easy since they are actually bred to be straight and encouraged to learn the Ins and Outs of dating as early as Middle School! But us fags have it a bit harder. We pretty much pretend we're straight until we come out of the closet, and then, when we finally do admit to ourselves and the rest of the world that we're gay, we don't have a clue about what it really means! Although we somehow innately always know which grooming products to use, which designer jeans to buy, and which Carbs to avoid so that we don't end up becoming Straight Fat, most of us have not had parents who sat us down during puberty to tell us all about the Birds and the Birds. And instead of encouraging our compulsive need to dress and accessorize our little sister's naked Barbie Dolls, our parents forbade us from setting foot in Malibu Barbie's Dream House (even to give Gay Ken some redecorating tips)!

The good news is that, now that you've come out of the closet, you get to do all of this, and more! How are you gonna know if you're a good kisser if you settle down with the first Soccer Player you make-out with? Remember, practice makes perfect (see fagnote #1, above). Meanwhile, you've just learned a valuable lesson. If you're just not that into a boy, then don't send out all those signals (or texts). Your change of heart might be confusing for him initially, but you have the best excuse and it's not even a lie! You just came out of the closet and you're not ready to get serious with anybody. Think about it. How many of your seventh grade Gal Pals settled down with the first boy that asked them to hold hands during the Couples Skate at Rollerama? I'm guessing NONE! And if on the off chance I'm wrong, then I'm guessing the poor Gal Pal in question has a really shitty sex life.

Okay, so here's my advice. And it's really, really good advice that took me at least thirtysomething years to figure out. If you don't want to make a big deal out of an issue, then don't make it a big deal! If you don't like the boy, then don't lead him on with smiley faced texts! If he gives you a booty call, then call him back, the next day! If you just want a simple friendship, then treat him like a simple friend! Make sure your actions send out the correct signals (that you just want to be friends), and you may not even need to have the awkward conversation at all. Gay Boys are vapid, not stupid! However, if you really do want to be friends and keep him in your life (and I think it would be really smart for you to start making a Gay Posse of Friends Without Benefits), then you should really just tell him how you feel. But do it simply! If he has a big crush on you then, as Elton John would say to Kiki Dee, Don't Go Breaking His Heart. Tell him you like him, but you see him as more of a friend. You don't need to make a big deal out of it either. I think it's something that would be best said in person, but I'd only enter that scrimmage game if the Soccer Player in question has passed you the ball. Think of yourself as the Goalie who has to Cock-Block his big Soccer Balls without letting him score any more points, because, after all, this game is definitely over. Now it's time to start playing the field, but always remember, just as with Football, Soccer or Rollerskating, when it comes to Gay Dating, Practice Makes Purrfect!

xoxo You!

PS-Think I'm full of shit? Got some better advice for the Football Fanatic? Leave it for him in the form of a comment (see link below)!

Are you one of those Fags with a hairy gay dating problem that manscaping alone will not solve? Want to know how You would handle it? Send an email to: Hey_You [at] 2ndPerson [dot] net

HEY YOU! You're Not One of Those Flirty Frat Boy Fags...

...but after three long years in a college relationship, you suddenly feel more like one of those Homeschooled Homos.

Hey You!

How did you cope with the breakup with your ex for the following months? After a 3 year relationship, my boyfriend and I have decided to break up. I'm going to grad school in a different city and he's going to be working in a lab for awhile. He also sees us having radically different long term goals and that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to compromise either of our futures for the other. He's been the only boyfriend I've ever had, so I'm very nervous about being able to find a new relationship with where I'm going. I feel that he fills my every niche and that we have such a solid rapport that maybe this is someone that I want to try an open relationship with in case things don't work out for either of us in the future.

Anyways, I was just wondering if this relationship mirrors you and your ex at all. It looks like that you guys still have a very good relationship today and we plan to have that too. I was just wondering if you were also a fresh-faced newbie after that relationship and any tips you had to get over that first hurdle and start dating. For all I know, you may just have had the balls to go for it and mingle. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks! :)

Sincerely,
Homeschooled Homo

Fagnote #1, To be played while reading Your response...


Dear Homeschooled Homo,

I got chills reading your letter. Although my erect nipples probably have more to do with the the air conditioning, my goosebumps are definitely related to the déjà vu I feel when reading about your situation. Just like you, I, too, was a Homeschooled Homo. Soon after coming out, I was snatched up and hidden away in a Long Term Relationship that began sometime around the Dawn of Gay Man. I was twenty-two when we first met and after a decade or so I suddenly found myself in your position. Only I was thirtysomething and I had never ever been on a date!

But enough about me. As usual, I digress. Now who were we talking about again? Oh that's right. You! First of all, you should feel lucky. I know that might be hard to digest right about now, but you, my friend, are one of the fortunate boys who has experienced a wonderful, loving, long term relationship. Do you know how many boys I date who are hovering around forty and haven't ever dated a boy for more than three months? Hey, wait a minute. Why are we talking about me again? Obviously writing in the First Person does not suit me. Anyway. Trust me when I tell you that you have definitely learned some valuable life lessons from your three year relationship that boys twice your age still have yet to learn. Just like those socially retarded Homeschooled kids (see fagnote #1, above), you, my faggy friend, are a Three Year Old reading at the Seventh Grade Level.

Okay, now here's the bad news. Getting over a relationship will take as long as it takes. From what you said, it sounds like your breakup may be more of your Ex's choice than yours. That's hard to accept because you have no recourse in the matter. If one boy doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, then from that exact moment there is no more relationship. I do worry that your Ex sees you two as having "radically different long term goals." That sentence slightly reeks of some good ol' Chelsea Boy Double Speak that might translate into "I want to be fucking someone radically different than you." Regardless, I am sure that he loves you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings because nobody wants to hurt anybody they love, even when he's dumping you. And this is always what makes it extra confusing to be the Dumpster.

But I am only concerned with you, so regardless of your Ex's intentions, here's what's jumping out at me about your letter. First of all you say, "He's been the only boyfriend I've ever had, so I'm very nervous about being able to find a new relationship." Whoa, boy! What's the rush? The Speed Limit is only 15 miles per hour in a Homeschooled Zone! The bad thing about being a Homeschooled Homo is that we haven't been properly socialized for this very complicated big gay world. After all, we've only had one teacher for all that time. In every subject no less! Now, I don't know your Ex, but, like the rest of us, I'm guessing he has his strengths as well as his weaknesses. However, being his only pupil you probably have no idea which qualities (or quantities) are strengths and which are not so strong (or long)! But now that you have graduated Homeschool and will soon be a Grad School Gay, you might find that there might be better teacher for some of the more advanced subjects. Maybe even a tenured Professor! My advice is when you're ready to start the new semester, you should fill your schedule with lots and lots of asses. Oops, I meant to write classes. Out, damn'd Typos! Out, I say!

Okay, Lady Macbeth, moving on. You go on to say, "I feel that he fills my every niche." Now I'm going to be so bold to say that, although you may be right, the good news is that you are probably wrong! But you won't know until that cute little niche of yours pulls itself into an unfamiliar Ass Station (again with the Typos! There should probably be a G in there somewhere...) and tell the Full Service Attendant to "Fill 'er up!" Be sure you try all the different Filling Stations around town, as well as all the various grades of Fuel ('87, '89, and even a '92 if he's legal). Gas is very expensive these days so it's definitely worth shopping around! Who knows? You might actually realize that you like the knocks and pings that you only get from the cheaper grades...

Lastly, you say that, "we have such a solid rapport that maybe this is someone that I want to try an open relationship with in case things don't work out for either of us in the future." Okay, now I can only talk from my own perspective but I think that this Open Relationship crap is bullshit. To me it's a really unfortunate way to put a dying relationship on Life Support. I have two words for you: Terri Schiavo! Pull the fucking plug already! Honestly, when I find out that some cute boy is in an Open Relationship I run screaming. I have absolutely no interest in being Wife #2. Since you two will be in different cities then why not just see what single life brings you? Does this mean that when you go to visit your Ex that you two can't rekindle the old flame(r)? Hell no! You know why? Because you'll be single! The beauty of being a Single Gay Boy is that you get to do whatever and whomever you want! You want to kiss that cute boy who bought you a Gay Cocktail? Go for it! Hell, kiss the damn bartender who's serving it to you! Basically I think being Single is a lot less complicated than being in an Open Relationship. And who wants to further complicate their gay lives? Isn't it already hard enough to find the latest. perfect fitting designer jeans on the clearance rack? Or the correct length to trim your chest hair this summer? (I've been hearing that Hairy is the new Smooth...) Trust me, if breaking up makes you both realize that you were meant to be together, then that's what will end up happening! A relationship is about two people who want the same thing. At the same time.

Okay, I feel like I may have come off as a bit harsh, but you do know that all my Blah-Blah-Blah is just my opinion and, unlike Dr. Phil, not only am I not even a fake Doctor, but I don't even have a name! So please, take what I say with a shaker of salt. When it comes to dating, only you will know when you are ready to post your Manhunt profile. Trust me, dating is not for the fey of heart. It's a big gay world out there and there are a lot of jaded gay boys who think they've got it all figured out. Whatever! Who cares about them! The good news is that you don't have it all figured out! So, when you decide you're ready, you get to start tasting all the different assorted chocolates in the big gay box of Godiva. Just remember never to spit out the ones you don't like. Always be sure to put them carefully back in the box, because someone else (possibly even me) will be very happy to find that particular flavor later on!

Meanwhile, in terms of coping with the breakup, there is nothing more important right now than to get some support from your friends and family. And a few Gay Cocktails never hurt either... But you might want to steer clear of hooking up for a while. Always use your friend's shoulders to cry on, so you can save Mr. Right Now's muscled shoulders for sighing upon later on.

xoxo You!

PS-Think I'm full of shit? Got some better advice for the Homeschooled Homo? Leave it for him in the form of a comment (see link below)!

Are you one of those Fags with a hairy gay dating problem that manscaping alone will not solve? Want to know how You would handle it? Send an email to: Hey_You [at] 2ndPerson [dot] net

HEY YOU! Lucky Lukas is Not One of Those Boy Toy Fags...

...but he's not so sure that his Ex-Bel Ami Boyfriend actually realizes this?

Hey You!

Ok, so I broke up with my Ex, or rather he broke up with me, about a week and a half before Christmas. Apparently he wasn't sure where his life was going, as he had just finished his undergrad, and he was gonna start getting really busy with work and school (he's an Assistant Band Director at a prominent high school program in the area) and he didn't feel that "spark" to keep the relationship going. Fast forward to now; we have kept in touch, letting each other know how our lives are going and what not. But recently I received some text messages from him and I don't quite know what to make of them...

Band Camp Boy: "We need to hang out sometime...I miss seeing you."
Lucky Lukas: "Yeah, we should get a drink sometime."
Band Camp Boy: "We should. Will I see you at KC pride this weekend?"
Lucky Lukas: "Yes, I'm going with a group of friends"
Band Camp Boy: "Awesome...See you there then ;)"

He always struck me as a "nice guy" type, so I don't really wanna believe that he's only doing this cause he hasn't been with anyone since the breakup and is just lonely and looking for a hookup. All of my friends think that is what he's doing, I would just like a little input from an outside source...

Sincerely,
Lucky Lukas

Fagnote #1, To be played while reading Your response...


Dear Lucky Lukas,

It's hard for me to imagine that a Bel Ami Boy could actually find himself in one of these everyday gay boy dating conundrums? But I'm happy to give you my opinion. Hell, I'm happy to give anybody my opinion, whether they ask for it or not!

First of all, being dumped is never easy. At one point or another we've all been the Dumper and at other times we've been the Dumpee. And, let's face it, it's always easier to be the Dumper. As the Dumper, you're the first one to come to the conclusion that the relationship isn't working. For better or for worse, the Dumper reaches the relationship's finish line first, but unfortunately, this is not the case for the Dumpee. Sometimes it's a close race with a Photo Finish and the Dumpee can see how he lost, but most of the time the Dumpee is lagging so far behind the Dumper that he's so busy huffing and puffing that he doesn't even realize that he's already lost the race! But losing isn't the worst part. It's not knowing why you lost, especially when you thought you were running your fastest and doing everything right.

But, Lucky Lukas, this is where your particular situation starts to get interesting. Half a year has passed since you were the Dumpee, and from the tone of your email, it really sounds like you've gotten over the Band Camp Boy Breakup. And oh how the tables have turned! Band Camp Boy has finally realized that the other dorks in Band Camp can't play his Trombone nearly as well as you can. You, my Lucky friend, are now in a very powerful position where you get to choose exactly whose instrument you want to play as you are now leading the whole damn Marching Band!

Now I'm going to say something rather drastic right now and some of your Gay Posse will probably vehemently disagree with me. But it's very good advice and I think you should take it (surprise-surprise), so make yourself a nice strong Gay Cocktail and sip it down while you ponder my words: It doesn't matter what anybody thinks but you! Don't listen to your friends! Don't listen to me! Fuck us and all of our silly gay opinions! The only person you should listen to is you! As long as you follow your heart then you will not, I repeat, you will not get hurt. From time to time it may seem like you get hurt, but when you offer someone your heart and they don't want it, trust me, you're much better off without them. If you want to see Band Camp Boy again, then see him again. If you just want to be friends, then be a good boy and don't go play his Trombone again. However, if both of you want to see what it's like to have a Fuck Buddy, then by all means, go have some great Sax! Band Camp Boy's balls are definitely in your court and, this time, you're the one who gets to decide which song the band will play during the big game! You're in a very empowering place, and you should savor this experience because these Do-Over situations hardly ever arise.

The one word of caution that I will offer is, from my experience, people never really change. The problems you had the first time around will probably continue to be problems if you end up resuming your relationship. You may ask, "What if he breaks my heart again?" or "What if he's just after sex?" or "Why did he suddenly change his mind?" These are questions that can only be answered if you choose to explore them. Who knows? Maybe he does just want to be friends, but in that case you have nothing to lose since it seems like you want that, too. If he wants more, then you have to ask yourself, Do you want more? If you do, then pursue it. If you don't, then you might want to cool off the friendship for a while until you both find yourselves on surer footing. Regardless, your heart will surely tell you how to act. But Band Camp Boy does actually seem like, as you say, one of the "Nice Guys." It sounds like he treated you with respect even while he was breaking up with you, so you should definitely treat him equally as well regardless of the outcome. But from how I see it, in this particular situation, it's all up to you Lukas, and that's exactly why you are so damn Lucky!

xoxo You!

PS-Got some better advice for Lucky Lukas? Leave it for him in the form of a comment (see link below)!

Are you one of those Fags with a hairy gay dating problem that manscaping alone will not solve? Want to know how You would handle it? Send an email to: Hey_You [at] 2ndPerson [dot] net

UPDATE: Lucky Lukas said...
well, thank you all for the advice and such. I decided to go with the, "I see you, I'll say hi, and then not talk to you the rest of the time" approach. I saw him a total of 3 times at our Pride this weekend, and was only in conversation for prolly a whopping 5 min the entire weekend. and I think that was the best way to do it, cause now I know that I don't want a damn thing to do with him anymore...xoxo Lucky Lukas
June 2, 2008 1:11 AM

HEY YOU! I'm Not One of Those Bossy Bottom Fags...

...but I have recently started dating a guy who I really like, and even though I've always thought of myself as Versatile, for some reason when I'm around him I turn into a total bottom! Honestly I can't seem to get enough of him banging away on top of me. I'm recently out of a two year relationship, and although the sex was never earth shattering, both of us definitely liked to mix it up. Believe it or not, I was probably more of the Top in that relationship! But that may actually have had more to do with my ex's dick of death than anything else...

When I first started talking about sex with the new boy (what we liked to do, etc.) we were both pretty pleased to find out that we each considered ourselves Versatile. However, we're now three months into it and I still haven't topped him. And trust me, I'm not complaining! It's not that I don't want to fuck him, per se, it's just that when he's fucking me the sex is so amazingly good that I kind of don't really care about being on Top anymore. This all sounds great, right? Ok, here's the problem. When he told me that he was versatile he said it was mostly because he thought doing the same thing over and over again got boring. Now, there's no way that I'm at all bored in the bedroom, but I'm starting to worry that he might be. Something seems different lately. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Vaguely Versatile

Fagnote #1, To be played while reading Your response...


Dear Bossy Bottom in Denial,

Although typically in the gay community, Anything Goes, let's face it, Cole Porter practically wrote this famous song for you to serenade to your new beau during Gay Karaoke, "Baby if I'm the bottom, You're the Top!" (see fagnote #1, above). We're all a bit surprised that your last relationship lasted for two years because, let's face it, it doesn't sound like you were all that sexually compatible with the Dick of Death (meanwhile, you talk about D.o.D. like it's a bad thing...?) But good for you to move on and find a boy that lifts your spirits as well as your legs!

Although, in Gay Years, you and your new beau are practically married, three months isn't such a long time to figure out all the intricacies of a gay relationship (Does he like Bette or Barbra? Judy or Liza? New Madonna or Old Madonna?), but it is definitely long enough to have flipped that boy over and had your buggery way with him no matter which Damn Diva was crooning on his iPod's Playlist. But honestly it sounds like you really don't want to flip this particular boy over and have your gay way with him. And as Seinfeld would say, "Not that there's anything wrong with that," butt (notice the two T's?) it does sound like your boy wants to be flipped over. He already told you that he gets bored doing the same old thing, so perhaps this boredom has triggered his A.D.D. and is ready for you to give your full Attention to his Deficit which you've obviously been Diss'ing lately. You might learn that you actually enjoy giving him the same type of Prostate Pleasure that your boy has been giving you. However, if you don't ultimately enjoy taking Luke over to the Dark Side, then you shouldn't be surprised when Princess Lay(a) starts searching the Gay Galaxy for other Light Sabers and sending R2D2 and his trusty gay sidekick, C3PO, out with desperate messages like, "Help me, Obi Schlong Kenobi! You're my only hope!" Seriously though, if you're both not having a satisfying sex life, then the sex can't be that great. Which, loosely translated, means you very well may be better off searching the Gay YOUniverse for another Storm Pooper!

xoxo You!

PS-Did I mention that I was single? ;-)

Are you one of those Fags with a hairy gay dating problem that manscaping alone will not solve? Want to know how You would handle it? Send an email to: Hey_You [at] 2ndPerson [dot] net