HEY YOU! You're Not One of Those Closeted Fags...

...but what happens when the boy you have a huge crush on is still living in a massive Walk-In and using, *gasp* Wire Hangers?

Hey You!

When is outing people OK? If you have a huge crush (he's obviously gay, mostly determined by his lack interest in women, both in real life and according to his Facebook profile and is deliciously cute and somewhat flirty), can you just pointedly ask him out despite being completely closeted to all his friends and family? He's 22 and graduated from college. And there's slim pickin's around these parts when it comes to dateable boys.

I don't want to embarrass him out of the closet, but I really want to get him into my bed. Help me!

Sincerely,
Closet Cleaner

Fagnote #1


Dear Closet Cleaner,

Outing people is never okay! Especially when it comes to outing a closeted Blah-Blah-Blogger who is terrified he'll never get another date if his dirty little secret is revealed to the world! Oh, wait, you weren't talking about me, you were talking about You! Sometimes I get a bit confused when I have to write in the First Person...

You bring up two very interesting points that I'd like to yap about. First of all you ask about Outing a boy. Personally I don't believe in outing anybody. Well that's not really true, as I think people in the public eye have a unique opportunity to change popular opinion on the gays. Or, more specifically, unpopular opinion. If Anderson Cooper and Wentworth Miller and Tom Cruise and Ricky Martin and Clay Gaykin and LesLo ever came out of their closets then the world would be a much gayer place! Not to mention that it would make it much easier for your twenty-two year old college grad to ditch the bitch and make the switch! However, outing someone is a very emotionally violent thing to do and probably has more to do with the "Outer's" shit than the "Outee's." Back in college when I was still in the closet (hard to imagine now!), if someone had outed me, not only would I have vehemently denied it (with a stuttering lisp...), I would've also instantly hated them. And, from my experience, it's always a bit tough to get boys into bed when they hate you. Hell, it's hard enough to get them into bed when they like you! So if your ultimate goal is really to get into his pants, then you might want to leave his Levi's on the hanger in his closet!

However, your letter doesn't sound like you really want to out this boy. It seems like you'd rather just go out with him, and, honestly, I think that's a great idea! If you don't make a big deal about his sexuality then I doubt it will turn into a big deal. Be a bit ambiguous when you ask him out and he won't know if you want to be friends or friends with benefits! Since you aren't closeted then I'm sure his head will be spinning over your offer. He might even proclaim his straightness at the time, but don't let a little case of "The Lady Doth Protest Too Much" deter you. All you have to say at that point is, "It's not like I was asking you out on a date..." and send that homophobic ball back into his court, er, closet. If he says "yes," then you'll have to judge the situation to see if it's cool to start feeling around for some mothballs. Honestly, if he agrees to go out then it wouldn't surprise me if he's the one who brings up the gay thing. In that case you could just act all surprised and, of course, be as supportive as a Jock Strap!

xoxo You!

PS-Think I'm full of shit? Got some better advice for the Closet Cleaner? Leave it for him in the form of a comment (see link below)!

Are you one of those Fags with a hairy gay dating problem that manscaping alone will not solve? Want to know how You would handle it? Send an email to: Hey_You [at] 2ndPerson [dot] net