You're not the type of fag who Hates Children...

...but you're also not the type of Uncle who likes his nieces and nephews just because you're related. Would it kill your brother and sister-in-law to say "no" once in a while? Apparently, it would.

After a grueling four hour drive to IDon'tLoVermont, you schlep through the door with your luggage, skis, and bags full of Christmas presents for the ungrateful brats. God forbid someone should help you, or pause the Tivo long enough to say "Hello," but you no longer have unrealistic expectations. Having no expectations from your brother's family seems to lessen the appalling reality of your non-existent relationship with your closest non-relative (thank God you were adopted.) However, even with no expectations you are completely floored when your six year-old niece glares at you as you and your crap waddle through the kitchen. Satan's Spawn looks up at you and the first words out of her mouth are, "I hate you! You're stupid!" Your jaw drops along with your roller bag and both hit the floor as Satan's Mommy asks from the couch, "Honey, what did you just say?" in a tone that's way too sing-songy for a child that needs to be smacked. But you are completely unprepared for her half-assed (yet parentally accepted) response: "I was just talking to my music box..."

Her fucking music box? In the words of Nell Carter (R.I.P.) Gimme a (fucking) Break. Everybody believes the little bitch and as far as you're concerned, it's war. But first things first, so you make yourself a cocktail. Anyway.