...but you are the type who hearts a sale, and the promotional email in your inbox practically begs you to come back for $5.75 a month if you sign up for three. In fact, it's such a bargain that the fact that you are currently dating The Cuddler never even crosses your mind. You quickly update your dusty profile, add a few new cute photos and gulp ominously as you change your profile from "Hidden" to "Visible."
You begin your initial Match search by entering some specific age, weight and zip code criteria in order to whittle down your Mr. Wrongs to a more manageable list of 500 or so ineligible bachelors. Apparently every single gay man in Manhattan between 31 and 41 is athletic and toned. Including Fat Grandpa from Bayonne who somehow winds up at the tippity-top of your list of liars. You scroll deftly through the inventory as you mutter, "You get what you pay for," but the words are barely out of your mouth when you first notice him. Your jaw slackens and your heart skips a beat. Not only does The Cuddler have a profile on Match.com, but he's actually online at this very moment!
You’re not new to dating. You’re not even new to online dating. You even read that damn book, He's Just Not That Into You, but only because your friend Liz co-wrote it. But this is a dating hurdle unlike any you've ever experienced. You consider calling Liz for help, but you quickly remember her one fatal flaw when it comes to dating advice: Even after Oprah's Book Club made her a millionaire, Liz still can't keep a boyfriend. So you find yourself asking yourself one of life’s most pertinent questions: "What would Carrie Bradshaw do?" Although you've seen every Sex and the City episode more often than old Brady Bunch reruns, you still find yourself utterly stumped. But before you can lisp, "She sells seashells by the seashore," you find yourself summoning up your that trusty dating vixen from the ‘70s: Marcia Brady. Unlike Carrie Bradshaw, Marcia-Marcia-Marcia quickly presents you with the answer to your dilemma. And just like that, your problem is solved with a quick mouse click. Before you even get a chance to regret it, you send The Cuddler a simple, yet vengeful Match.com "Wink."
And then, just like Carrie and Marsha before you, you find yourself in the middle of a poorly written sitcom in dire need of a page one rewrite (smack in the middle of the Writers' Guild strike, nonetheless.) You feel vaguely awful as you search through Match.com's online help for ways to take back the Wink. Unfortunately, you quickly realize that although Marcia would simply have to enlist her brothers and sisters for help to fish her "Dear John letter" from a federally protected, navy blue USPS mailbox, you will have no such luck. Even though you know that this boy is not the boy, you do like him and, after all, he is an excellent cuddler. Not to mention the fact that your Wink is pretty fucking ridiculous considering you both have active dating profiles on Match.com. You resign yourself to the consequences and are about to log off when the solution to the Wink dilemma hits you: the profile visibility option!
You’re not sure what it will do exactly, but you don't waste a second as you race back to the settings page and click on the "Hide" link in order to make your invisible again. You pat yourself on the back smugly with a sigh of relief as you sign off Match.com and take a big sip of Diet Pepsi as you return to your email inbox to finish reading your emails. You delete the damn Match.com coupon which now seems to be vaguely mocking you. And that’s when Outlook alerts you with an ominous little ding to announce a new email’s arrival; a new email from Match.com; a new email that proclaims, "Someone Winked at You!" Your heart drops as you open it and see the profile picture of the boy you are dating. Correction, the boy you were dating. The Cuddler's cockeyed smile, however, now appears much more like a big fucking, obnoxious Wink ;-)
Anyway.
You begin your initial Match search by entering some specific age, weight and zip code criteria in order to whittle down your Mr. Wrongs to a more manageable list of 500 or so ineligible bachelors. Apparently every single gay man in Manhattan between 31 and 41 is athletic and toned. Including Fat Grandpa from Bayonne who somehow winds up at the tippity-top of your list of liars. You scroll deftly through the inventory as you mutter, "You get what you pay for," but the words are barely out of your mouth when you first notice him. Your jaw slackens and your heart skips a beat. Not only does The Cuddler have a profile on Match.com, but he's actually online at this very moment!
You’re not new to dating. You’re not even new to online dating. You even read that damn book, He's Just Not That Into You, but only because your friend Liz co-wrote it. But this is a dating hurdle unlike any you've ever experienced. You consider calling Liz for help, but you quickly remember her one fatal flaw when it comes to dating advice: Even after Oprah's Book Club made her a millionaire, Liz still can't keep a boyfriend. So you find yourself asking yourself one of life’s most pertinent questions: "What would Carrie Bradshaw do?" Although you've seen every Sex and the City episode more often than old Brady Bunch reruns, you still find yourself utterly stumped. But before you can lisp, "She sells seashells by the seashore," you find yourself summoning up your that trusty dating vixen from the ‘70s: Marcia Brady. Unlike Carrie Bradshaw, Marcia-Marcia-Marcia quickly presents you with the answer to your dilemma. And just like that, your problem is solved with a quick mouse click. Before you even get a chance to regret it, you send The Cuddler a simple, yet vengeful Match.com "Wink."
And then, just like Carrie and Marsha before you, you find yourself in the middle of a poorly written sitcom in dire need of a page one rewrite (smack in the middle of the Writers' Guild strike, nonetheless.) You feel vaguely awful as you search through Match.com's online help for ways to take back the Wink. Unfortunately, you quickly realize that although Marcia would simply have to enlist her brothers and sisters for help to fish her "Dear John letter" from a federally protected, navy blue USPS mailbox, you will have no such luck. Even though you know that this boy is not the boy, you do like him and, after all, he is an excellent cuddler. Not to mention the fact that your Wink is pretty fucking ridiculous considering you both have active dating profiles on Match.com. You resign yourself to the consequences and are about to log off when the solution to the Wink dilemma hits you: the profile visibility option!
You’re not sure what it will do exactly, but you don't waste a second as you race back to the settings page and click on the "Hide" link in order to make your invisible again. You pat yourself on the back smugly with a sigh of relief as you sign off Match.com and take a big sip of Diet Pepsi as you return to your email inbox to finish reading your emails. You delete the damn Match.com coupon which now seems to be vaguely mocking you. And that’s when Outlook alerts you with an ominous little ding to announce a new email’s arrival; a new email from Match.com; a new email that proclaims, "Someone Winked at You!" Your heart drops as you open it and see the profile picture of the boy you are dating. Correction, the boy you were dating. The Cuddler's cockeyed smile, however, now appears much more like a big fucking, obnoxious Wink ;-)
Anyway.
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