You're not the type of fag who falls in love on an Internet Date…

...but you've been especially looking forward to your follow up date with Blonde Beard. You tend to think of Internet Meet n' Greets as sub-dates; they're usually so terrible and awkward that, even if you like the boy (which you never do), you don't really count them as first dates. But the two of you have been emailing back and forth since you met, and Blonde Beard definitely gives good email. He makes you laugh. Almost every time. And it's really hard to make you laugh. Actually, it's not that hard, but it's important to point out that nothing but nervous, uncomfortable, "I-want-to-kill-myself" kind of laughter has ever emanated from a stupid match.com date. (See fagnote #1, below.)

You've definitely been thinking about Blonde Beard. A lot. But that probably has more to do with the fact that you just spent a nice ski weekend in Vermont with lots of your irritating, lovey-dovey Couple Friends. They all got to share big beds while you and your right hand got to snuggle up in a twin bed. But you digress. Tonight's date is at a place called Rice. Of course you made Blonde Beard suggest the restaurant as a test, mostly because you find that boys choices tend to say a lot about who they are, and, more importantly, how they see you. As usual, your only request was Cheap and Cheerful.

Instead of daydreaming all day about your impending date with Blonde Beard, your day turns out to be extremely annoying since it is mostly spent holding on the phone for Yahoo! Tech Support (see fagnote #2, below). Somehow your narcissistic blog site had simply vanished from the Internet without a trace. Poof! After one hour and fifty minutes of hold music you scream at the poor straight guy who answers because you know that that Fags across America are in dire need to read all about your recent Hemorrhoid Procedure. You know this to be true because you received several nice emails and a concerned IM from gay boys who were worried about what the hell happened to 2ndPerson.net! (Props to QuickTechnoSilver!)

Anyway. You get a bit nervous before meeting Blonde Beard, but you shower with your expensive yummy smelling soap and take way too much time picking out a flattering outfit. Luckily the restaurant isn't too far from home so you arrive uncharacteristically early instead of your usual 5-10 minutes late (typically you conduct your life in the GST timezone: Gay Standard Time.) But somehow Blonde Beard is already there, waiting on a stoop, and when you look up at him your heart kind of skips a beat because you've forgotten how damn attractive he is. He smiles and you jump up on the stoop to meet his whiskered lips with a kiss (see fagnote #3, below), making it crystal clear that from this point on, handshakes have become obsolete.

The restaurant is super cute and delicious and extremely affordable, but none of that really matters because the two of you are so lost in your own boring conversation. All of the diners around you seem to fade away from consciousness, and at three separate vomit-inducing points during the date, you both completely forget what you're actually saying because you just sort of get lost in each other's lengthy stare. You know it's gross, but it was totally just like that! You did get lost in his eyes! And at exactly the same time that he got lost in yours! And it felt fucking fantastic! Like a well-timed mutual orgasm. Only visual. And, unfortunately, with your clothes on.

You definitely overstay your welcome at Rice, but neither of you seem to want the date to end. You even order an extra glass of wine after the check comes just to prolong the date. Even though you'd really prefer desert, this is, after all, a gay date and you don't want to come off like a "Feed Me, Seymour!" Fatty Fag (see fagnote #4, below). Eventually you split the bill and find yourself out on the cold street. Blonde Beard asks, "Are you up for doing something else?" to which you answer immediately, "I'm up for making out with you. But it's too cold outside." You both decide to take it slow, which is relatively easy since you are both saddled with homebody roommates. Eventually you decide to go to Urge since it's right around the corner.

You sit at the bar and order beers as your knees begin to touch. Slightly at first; then hard and deliberate. Soon after that the kissing begins and then there's no holding you back. You were a bit worried about how it would feel to kiss a beard, but you're pleasantly surprised at how soft and simultaneously masculine it feels. You definitely get lost in his kisses and don't care who's watching, even though you're typically against P.D.A.'s. Everything's nice and dandy until the damn Drag Queen show begins and everybody in the bar seems to be more interested in watching her show than listening to the two lustful bearded boys blah-blah-blah about what good kissers they are. So you grab Blonde Beard's hand and yank him toward the front of the bar where it's completely empty. That's where you guys let loose and really go at it. After some heavy hand-over-the-Diesel-Jeans action, you are as happy as Christopher Columbus with your recent discovery of Blonde Beard's substantial new land mass. (See fagnote #5, below)

After both of your lips are way too chapped to do anymore kissing, you walk him to the Second Avenue F train and, get this, you go down to wait with him even though you're within walking distance from home. Your cheap ass is completely shocked as you find yourself swiping your Metrocard just to wait on a subway platform with the simple ulterior motive of not wanting the date to end. You must really like this guy. Unfortunately your two dollar entrance fee isn't really worth the price of admission since the train comes almost instantly. You kiss Blonde Beard goodbye, but not before making plans to see each other again on Sunday. Only now that he's gone, Sunday seems sooooooo far away. Could you be falling for Blonde Beard? You almost want to smack some sense into yourself so you don't let your emotions play tricks on you. But then you realize that anything can happen between now and Sunday. And it usually does ;-) Anyway...