You're not the type of fag who Breaks Up over Email...

...but you're definitely the procrastinating type who'd rather be doing something a bit more festive, like perhaps washing your roommate's dirty dishes or even having a colonoscopy, sans anesthesia. Unfortunately, when it comes to break-ups it's very rare that two people ever see eye-to-eye. Even when you assume they do. Especially when you assume they do.

After a week or so of being incommunicado, you receive an email from The Cuddler as if you've been in daily contact. He tells you all about his busy week and wants to know when you're free. You're actually kind of surprised, mostly because you thought this one would just fade away on it's own; no fuss, no muss. So you write back and apologize for your absence. You tell him how you've been sick and a bit depressed, but you also explain that you've been feeling a bit ambivalent over your "relationship." You don't go into any further detail, because really, what's the point? Isn't ambivalence reason enough? After all, you definitely wouldn't want to date a boy that felt ambivalent about you.

The Cuddler emails you back and suggests meeting for coffee to discuss the situation. Ugh. The phrase "Meeting For Coffee" definitely has a slight Exit Interview odor about it and you are so less than interested in bookending this particular Internet Dating Experience with beverages on either end. Especially non-alcoholic beverages. Anyway. The Cuddler tells you to email him when you're feeling better so you can make a plan. Only you kind of know that you'll never feel that much better. Especially since you don't even drink coffee...

You discuss the Exit Interview situation over drinks with the Boy Luck Club and their advice is split right down Fifth Avenue. The Chelsea Half of the BLC thinks you should just let a dead dog lie and avoid all further contact, but the East Village Contingency thinks you should beat this dead dog with a phone (call). The one thing that everybody does agree upon is that coffee is just way too much effort for such a short-lived Dating Experience. So you kind of put the situation on the back burner and forget about it. A few days later you get this:

"I'm not sure what's going on with you, but I hope things are OK. I definitely get the sense that you don't want to date anymore,which is okay; to be honest, after this past week I don't want to. I have no idea what your thoughts are, and I don't want to put words into your mouth, but from my side your silence has spoken. I hate doing things like this via email, and I hate being that guy doing it by email. But you don't even want to meet up to talk to end things and clear the air. It's all good, I'm not angry, just surprised and disappointed that you'd fall off the face of the earth like this. You didn't seem like that type of guy. I hope all is well and I wish you the best."

OMG! You've just been Email Dumped by the guy you were too lazy to break up with! It's almost as wrong as if K-Fed had beaten Britney to the chase with the infamous Text Message Dump. But you're not K-Fed! You're Britney, bitch! And to make things worse, The Cuddler accused you of being "That Type of Guy." So much for avoiding the drama. The Cuddler is obviously upset, but do you really deserve to be lumped into the"That Type of Guy" pile? And what exactly is That Type of Guy, anyway? Obviously "That Guy" has got to be lazy, because during your quiet attempt to avoid unnecessary conflict you've actually ended up creating much, much more. And the worst part is that you really have no hard feelings. You like this guy. Double ugh. So you write back. Immediately:

"Sorry for the silence. Actually I've only temporarily fallen off the face of the earth. Been a bit sick and just in a generally blah mood. Lots of shit with my parents. Please don't take it personally. I've just been depressed and have obviously been avoiding things that are complicated. Again, I'm sorry for that.

Regarding us, I told you I've been feeling ambivalent. I really do like you, however I just don't feel like we're headed down that crazy, passionate "Let's-scream-it-from-the-rooftops" kind of road, which probably doesn't even exist outside of cheesy '80s movies. I don't know. I hope it does. Anyway, it sounds like you're done with me, and if so, I get it. However, if you have any interest in parlaying this into a friendship, I'd really like that."

Soon after, your email inbox dings with The Cuddler's reply:

"Nah, it's not that complicated - we just weren't feeling the spark. I've been feeling the same way, so I get where you're coming from and glad things aren't awkward. I'm really sorry about your troubles, I hope you can work through them!"

Although you question The Cuddler's sincerity about "working through your troubles" (mostly due to his use of an overly exuberant exclamation point), you are happy that there's been some adult-like closure (even if it was via email). The good news is that now you both are single and available to look for your "shout-it-from-the-rooftops-type-of-boys. The even better news is that it shouldn't be awkward when you run into each other. And if there's one thing you know for sure, it's that you always run into these boys again. Anyway.