You're Not One of Those Fags on the Rebound...

...but you do bound out of bed in the morning and race to the bathroom to inspect your teeth. As you laid in The Ex's bed inspecting your Lovely Lady Mumps (which haven't shrunk one tiny bit since they mysteriously appeared five days ago), you suddenly realize that perhaps an infected molar might be causing your Jabba the Neck-like glandular swelling? Although you floss twice a day (you are a Dentist's wet dream, perhaps you should date one?), you've had some mild irritation since your last cleaning. Suddenly you feel like your gums are receding around that particular tooth and before you know it you are on the phone making an emergency dental appointment. Since your homeless ass is moving into your share house on Fire Guyland for the next week, you want to have this tooth looked at before you end up needing to be airlifted from Low Tea for a root canal.

By the time you arrive at your dentist's office you are absolutely positive that the tooth needs to be extracted and that everybody you date from here on out will think that you have Meth Mouth. But after some digital x-rays, your dentist informs you that there is nothing at all wrong with your tooth. She concurs with your doctor that your Lovely Lady Mumps must be a stress-related condition due to your recent move as well as your current situation of homelessness. Ugh.

Later that afternoon, you and your Lovely Lady Mumps decide to schlep out to Jackson Heights so you can check on the progress of your new apartment renovation and then hop on the Fire Island Fag Express in Jamaica. Luckily, when you see the apartment they are actually painting it! Your whiny Real Estate Broker, Annette Weining, informs you that it will be finished next Wednesday so you'll need to schedule an appraisal. Suddenly you start to see an inviting porch light at the end of this hellish homeless tunnel! Then you race over to the LIRR station in Jamaica and, as usual, meet three of the Kinsey 8 in the second car of the train. They've scored one of the social, six person banquette seats but right after you sit down, a hefty middle-aged woman squeezes her way through your He Man Woman Haters club and plops herself in the middle seat between Fat Albert and Rice Queen. Although everyone is irritated by the intruder, Fat Albert actually says aloud, "American trains need bigger seats because everybody in this country is fat." Your jaw drops, as does the Middle Aged Heffer's, and she says, "I will choose not to take offense to that." And with that the train continues it's way down the tracks of Denial.

After a semi-awkward ride to Babylon, you all have to switch trains and for some unknown reason the new train is much too small and it's a chaotic mess so you all get split up. You wind up lucking out and actually get a seat sitting next to a very cute boy, however, the two of you can't even chat due to a very loud, extremely cellfish phone conversation directly behind you. It actually becomes comical when the poor girl starts bawling and says way too loudly, "It's just harder to be with you than without you!" The whole train stifles a collective schadenfreude giggle. However you literally burst into tears laughing. You feel bad for the poor girl and her public break-up, but you have absolutely no control over your sick sense of humor.

Once you boys reconvene at the house the Kinsey 8 decides to pretoxicate before Low Tea, and, really, who are you to judge? The vodka is flowing through your veins by the time you begin to circulate through the throngs of boys at the Blue Whale. Collectively you all ignore the beautiful sunset in favor of much prettier Tequila Sunrises that you're drinking. But suddenly the sunburned boys part like the Red Sea and you find yourself catching eyes with Baby Daddy. You both smile awkwardly but you decide to be the bigger person and go over to actually say hello. Honestly (not that you really care), but the way he blew you off was rather strange and you're sort of curious as to what the hell happened so you figure chatting for a bit will be a nice way to smooth things over.

Only when you start talking, the conversation quickly turns all deep and weird (his doing, of course) and you're a bit confused about what the hell is actually happening? Is he into you or isn't he? And ultimately does it really matter because, honestly, you're just not that into him. But the mystery sucks you in and the next thing you know Baby Daddy pulls you out of Low Tea and walks you down to a quiet space on the dock so you can "talk." You are actually so confused by the elaborate romantic gesture that you quickly confess that you assumed that he just wasn't interested in you. At all. And then since it's one of the rare occasions in your life where you have absolutely nothing to say, you end up listening intently to everything Baby Daddy tells you. He starts yapping about how he isn't over his Ex and about how he wants to go out with you again. You can't help but think "Rebound!" as he apologizes for his sudden disappearing act, yet he explains that it had nothing to do with you. You appreciate the gesture, even though you thought that you both kind of mutually disappeared by choice. Baby Daddy then makes a bold promise that the two of you are going to go out again and that it's going to be a great date! After that Baby Daddy starts using the future tense about how "We'll do this," and "Then we'll do that!" You're so confused. It's almost like he's planning your whole relationship which you assumed never even began. The whole thing is so weird that you begin to wonder if he might be on something? But you play along just because the conversation is so bizarre that it feels best to not make waves. Luckily Baby Daddy is going home tonight on the last ferry with his friends, but he informs you, with a kiss, that he's returning (or possibly rebounding) to Fire Island tomorrow for The Invasion. Anyway...