You're Not One of Those Fags Who Has a Laundry List of Boyfriend Qualifications...

...but you do have five things on a very short list that you absolutely must have. At first glance they seem rather simple, however, when taking into account your dismally unsuccessful dating history over the past four years, they actually seem rather elusive:

1. Must make you laugh.
2. Must have great sex.
3. Must like to cuddle.
4. Must like the beach.
5. Must like to drink. (Okay perhaps this qualification should hold a more coveted position on your list...)

But nothing else is negotiable! This, of course, is your first thought when you wake up in Bald Boy's arms (#3) with a bit of a hangover (#5) after a night of great sex (#2) at Bald Boy's beach house (#4). Bald Boy is a very rare species. He's a four out of five. Unfortunately (for you), Bald Boy is missing your number one requirement and, after a romantic weekend of no laughs, this is something that even you can't deny. Although you've had a magical beach weekend in Ocean Grove, you can't help but wonder if today will actually be the end of your Three-Night-Stand?

You and Bald Boy explore Asbury Park and the day flies by. Later on you have a pleasant, yet humorless drive back to the city so you can meet the Boy Luck Club for dinner and, surprise-surprise, drinks. You and Bald Boy say your goodbyes on a West Village sidewalk and Bald Boy asks you about your plans this week before you head to California. Since you don't really have any plans (Loser, party of one!), Bald Boy tells you that he'll call to make a date which seems perfect. You're actually curious to have some alone time so you can sort out how exactly how you feel about Bald Boy. Either you'll keep thinking about him or it'll be yet another case of "Out of Sight, Out of Hind..." Only time will tell.

You race home to drop off your stuff and shower, and then meet the Boy Luck Club at Elmo where you order the world's weakest, yet most expensive mocktail masquerading as a Mandarin and Soda. In fact, the drink is so weak that the taste of lime actually over-powers the non-existent hint of mandarin (even though you haven't even squeezed the lime!) But you and the boys have lots of laughs during a nice, sober dinner sitting outside on Seventh Avenue before deciding to swing by G for some drinks that actually contain liquor. You wait at the bar for your your favorite Red Headed Bartender who makes drinks the way they were supposed to be made (strong!) while a very hot muscle boy (stronger!) standing next to you crushes a wet napkin and throws it over the bar into a trash can. Without a moment of hesitation, you actually forfeit your turn to order from the Red Headed Bartender in order to say, "Two points," to the cute muscle boy who chuckles, but walks away.

But then he walks back. So you say in a snarky, yet somewhat confused tone, "You're back." To which he responds, "I realized that I should've stayed." And the two of you begin to sip your drinks (#5 -- Check!) while chatting about how jealous he is about your beach weekend (#4 -- Check!). Before you can get through the rest of your check list, the muscle boy throws you for a loop and tells you that he has two kids? He used to be married (to a girl no less!) and has a five and ten year old. You, of course, start imagining yourself making his children's lives a living hell as their Evil Stepmonster, ordering them to polish your Pradas as you yell "Make them shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!" and, of course, beating them with wire hangers if they fail to deliver. Your fantasy of free slave labor gets you kind of hot and it isn't long before you and your Baby Daddy are making out in the back of the bar. It gets pretty intense, so when Baby Daddy asks you to come back to his place you begin to have a moral dilemma. Actually it's more of a whore-al dilemma. For someone who recently proclaimed to be too old and mature to have one night stands anymore, you ironically find yourself in the precarious and slightly slutty position of not having slept in your own bed for the past three nights. But the big question is: Will you try for four, Whore?

Of course you will! As you are hailing a taxi you decide to check out the Guinness Book of World Records first thing when you wake up tomorrow just to see if you've actually broken some Homeless Hooker's record. For now, however, you settle for another Guinness when Baby Daddy offers you a drink. Although Baby Daddy's apartment is a bit messy and dirty laundry is scattered about the floor, you, my friend, are much more interested in seeing how many more qualifications you can check off your laundry list. It doesn't take long before you are both naked in bed and you're a bit shocked because Baby Daddy's upper body is so big and bulky that you begin to wonder if he's on steroids? However, the balls never lie and there ain't no shrunken junk downstairs. In fact, everything seems to be extra-large which is actually somewhat shocking after spending your wee-weekend with Bald Boy (and no, you are not st-st-stuttering).

The sex is pretty fucking amazing (#2 -- Check!), and afterwards you are so exhausted that you actually fall asleep in Baby Daddy's arms for god knows how long (#3 -- Check!), but when you wake up you decide that you have to go back to your Home-Sweet-Hovel, partly because you feel like you are somehow desecrating Bald Boy who you haven't actually thought about until right now because, just like Bald Boy, Baby Daddy has yet to make you laugh (#1). Anyway...