You're Not One of Those Fags Who Blows Off His Friends For a Boy...

...however, if a blow job is involved, then you can't be held responsible for any selfish actions. Luckily your friends understand this. Well, your gay friends. Anyway. So there you are. At the Jersey Shore. In bed with a recently debriefed Bald Boy. And you're kind of in shock. Although you definitely don't consider yourself to be a size queen (actually you're a big fan of average), you are definitely a bit surprised by his small, err, stature. And honey, you've seen quite a few statures in your day. Even though this particular stature is hard and ready to rumble, it's actually the same exact size as you are, when you're ready to fumble and completely flaccid. Seriously.

Luckily you are extremely attracted to Bald Boy and his amazing swimmers build, so you quickly move from flaccid to placid and, once you get over the initial visual shock, the whole experience actually turns out to be pretty damn hot. Bald Boy is a little dirty and he starts to push you around in the bed, telling you things like, "You like that." He has no questions. Just authoritative statements. The best part is that he's always right. You do like that. In fact you like everything that Bald Boy is doing.

In the morning you make some delicious eggs, but while you're cooking you suddenly have this feeling that you're playing house. This is something that you are vaguely familiar with since you lived with your Ex for over a decade. But oddly enough you're only on day three of your Two Night Stand and, although you know you'll be leaving this afternoon, you are perfectly content playing Martha Stewart and making eggs while you both plan a day of wandering through Ocean Grove's annual flea market. Although it's an odd feeling, you are thoroughly enjoying it because this is definitely what you want. You want to play House. You especially want to play Beach House! Even though you're quite aware that something a bit intangible is missing, you are definitely enjoying your fantasy weekend way too much to spend much time analyzing it. After all, there are fleas to be marketed!

The two of you roam the flea market like an old married couple, wondering if you can make use of other people's useless things, but the only purchase is an old mirror that Bald Boy buys for the landing at the top of his staircase. Even though you can't really picture the spot he's describing, like a good wife you agree that it will look absolutely fabulous. Afterwards you both race home in order to beat the rain clouds that are storming toward the little town. Luckily you win the race and wind up having thunderous sex during an extremely violent electrical storm.

Afterward, Bald Boy gets a call about a dinner invitation and he looks over at you, lying naked on the bed and asks pointedly if you'd like to come along, even though he knows you have to leave in a few hours. Only now you don't want to leave. You're enjoying yourself, or rather, you're enjoying escaping yourself. You love playing Beach House and the two of you are having a really pleasant time. The idea of schlepping to Billyburg for a wine tasting party is becoming less and less appealing. But you remind Bald Boy that, indeed, you have to leave, but he looks deep into your eyes as he tells his friend, "He's not sure yet." And, one thing's for sure, Bald Boy is absolutely right.

Ultimately, surprise-surprise, you wind up texting your Wine Tasting friend to cancel. Although you know texting her is totally lame, you decide not to call because you don't want to be talked out out of your selfish decision to keep playing Beach House. Later on at the dinner party, which is wall-to-wall gay couples, you finally realize exactly why you it is that your game of Beach House is purely fictional. Although there are four other couples, there is only one boy at the table that you're enjoying talking to. And it's not Bald Boy. The friend is absolutely hysterical and the two of you wind up laughing and giggling like a gaggle of girls about the silliest little things. When you ultimately find yourself wishing that this particular boy didn't have a boyfriend, that's when it suddenly becomes crystal clear that, although you've had a picture perfect weekend playing Beach House, you have yet to share a hearty laugh with Bald Boy. The last time you remember belly laughing was back in the city when you got a glimpse of your BFF's horrendous free S & M haircut he got at The Eagle. Just before you left the city to play Beach House with Bald Boy. Anyway...