You’re Not One of Those Black Party Fags…

...although you do find black to be particularly slimming during this time of your self-imposed Gym Hiatus thanks to your recently diagnosed Hurtful Hernia. Besides, the idea of wearing something humiliatingly skimpy to a $140 party for the oh-so-unusual opportunity to hang out with a bunch of drugged up Queens from Queens seems pretty unappealing. In fact you'd much rather wear a humiliatingly skimpy hospital gown for the bargain admission price of a $75 surgical co-pay where, for once-in-your-lifetime, you get to be the (legally) drugged out Queen. And you're not even taking into account that your upcoming Hernia party's admission price includes your own personal Anesthesiologist. Anyway.

Actually, tonight you have something much more wholesome planned and you are very much looking forward to it. Your Literary Lot of friends are getting together in Brooklyn for a Pot-Luck at the Overly Affectionate Straight Couple's apartment. Now, ordinarily, you would probably gag from the thought of accepting an invitation that forced you to cross a river just for the privilege to hang out with a bunch of Breeders, but during this particular river crossing you have decided to drag Blonde Beard along so you can introduce him to all of your friends. And you're pretty darn excited about it, too! So excited that you've actually decided to bake a cake. As an homage to the Black Party, you decide to make a Devil's Food Cake. Well, you actually decided to combine an egg with some Betty Crocker and attempt to figure out how to work your oven (back off Martha!), but an oven is definitely involved.

While waiting for your Chocolatey Creation to emerge from your Easy Bake Oven, you decide to call your Gal Pal who's throwing the Pot Luck to see if she needs any help. Normally, you'd be much to selfish to offer up your valuable Pre-Party Primping Time, but your Gal Pal did just agree to pick you up from the Hospital after your surgery on Monday. However you are absolutely shocked when your Gal Pal takes you up on your insincere offer! Luckily the Cake Fumes coming from your Easy Bake Oven seem to have a soothing affect on you, so you decide to look at the Silver Lining of being volun-told by your Gal Pal to come over early so you can *gasp* help. This way she'll have a chance to get to have some one-on-one time with Blonde Beard since the last time they met he was so ridiculously shy that the Limping Lit Lot Lesbian made some insanely obscure Charlotte Perkins Gilman reference about Blonde Beard being The Yellow Wallflower. You, of course, instantly brought her down a Peg-Leg by asking Charlotte Dykey York, "How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?" and before she got a chance to ruin your (actually funny) joke you screamed, "That's not funny!"

You call Blonde Beard to ask him about going to the party early and are kind of surprised when he doesn't seem too receptive. After all, it's only a half hour earlier than you had originally told him (even though you definitely planned on getting there on Gay Standard Time), and isn't he supposed to be all gung ho about meeting your friends? So you back pedal a bit and tell him hesitantly that he can come later if he'd like, but then he informs you that if he had to go alone then he probably wouldn't go at all. What the fuck is that about? So you're a bit embarrassed to actually have to say it, but you put yourself out on the line and tell him, "I was really looking forward to having you meeting a bunch of my friends tonight." You're really not happy that you have to guilt him into making the right choice, but you're definitely happier than you would be if he bailed.

After you and the cake have cooled considerably, you apply icing liberally to both, plop the Devil's Food Cake into some Tupperware, and head down to meet Blonde Beard in the last car of the F train. Luckily you time your rendezvous well and, although the train is crowded, you find a seat which helps you take a load off of your Hurtful Hernia. You ask Blonde Beard about his day and he informs you that he isn't feeling well. Again. Your conversation is awkward, but you let it slide. After all, he's not feeling well. Again.

When you get to Brooklyn you pick up some chips and candles on your way over and it's a nice distraction from the stilted small talk. When you arrive at the Overly Affectionate Straight Couple's apartment you are the absolute first guest. Which is an absolute first. You look around in disbelief at the amount of chaos that is being caused by nothing more than you Gal Pal's unruly Lab, Mr. President, who, just like George Bush, was never voted into office by you. This pup is not just a food obsessed vacuum cleaner, he's actually a patented Bagless Dyson who is obsessed with both your crotch as well as your Betty Crocker. And, unfortunately, your job is to keep him away from the food until the guests come. Since Blonde Beard informs you that he's allergic to four legged Presidents, your Gal Pal puts him in charge of gaying up the place with some tea-light candles. And that's when something incredible happens. The guests, (actually you should qualify that), the straight guests start showing up. Early. On time. All of them! Who are these Straight Men and their Stepford Wives? Actually the only person who is more than five minutes late ends up being, surprise-surprise, your BFF. Thank God someone has enough good gay breeding to show up to a Pot Luck after all the offensive carbs have been eaten, and he shows up with a bottle of vodka to boot

You introduce Blonde Beard to a friend or two, and then, like a Homing Pigeon you follow the Vodka into the kitchen and effectively push your Blonde Feathered Friend out of his nest to see if he will take flight. You refill at least twice and have several conversations about extremely interesting things that you will certainly black out long before you make it back to Blonde Beard. You do try to keep an eye on him but you're not too worried because, after all, these are your easy friends! You've decided that he needs to work up to meeting the bitchy Boy Luck Club because, like a Nanny Fine Whine, those boys are definitely an acquired taste.

When you finally get back to Blonde Beard with the Diet Coke he asked for ages ago, he actually tells you that he's going to go home. You don't know what to say so you just look at your watch and realize that it's 9:30pm. On a Saturday night. And then you really don't know what to do. You definitely don't know what to say. He hasn't even met most of the friends you wanted him to meet because a few of them haven't even arrived yet! You're definitely not ready to go. For Christ's Sake, you haven't even cut into your Betty Crocker yet! So even though the incredulous look on your face probably says it all, the words actually come out of your disappointed mouth as you tell him that you're not ready to go. And then you see your Home Schooled Hipster friend and you scramble because you want them to meet because, for obvious reasons, Home School is socially awkward too! You are sure that they will have tons to be shy about, and if they don't they can at least talk about you! But by the time you grab Home School's attention, Blonde Beard has already put his coat on and scaled his way through the crowd as if he's Spiderman making his escape.

By the time you catch up to Peter Parker he's already at the front door. He barely pecks you on the lips and then he's out the door. By the time you ask him if he wants you to walk him back to the subway he's already halfway down the block and can barely hear your question. And you stand there in the doorway until Mr. Fucking Un-Elected President starts to make his unleashed escape, barreling between your legs which force you to pull him inside and close the door. You stand there alone for a minute, unable to even yell at the dog, wondering what the hell just happened? And then you go back inside to your friends who ask you endlessly, all night long, "What happened to Blonde Beard?" Only you don't know how to answer them. Tonight he was supposed to shine. To show all your friends how eager he was to meet them and to fit seamlessly into your life. However, the only thing Blonde Beard was eager about was disappearing. And now you want to disappear, too. In fact, you're in such a dark mood right now that you actually consider going to the Black Party. Anyway...