You're Not One of Those Muscle Boy Fags...

...but you definitely work out. Sometimes you wonder what would happen if you didn't. Would your gay card suddenly be revoked, forcing you to hang out in, gasp, straight bars? You shudder at the thought of fighting your way past those big leather girl purses (what do they keep in them anyway? Small children?) as you attempted to make you way to the bar for an overpriced, under-liquored straight cocktail. You take your drinks strong. Just like your men. Anyway.

You're on the way to the gym to get in a quick workout before you meet your Baby Daddy for a date. He told you to meet him at his apartment, which makes the whole thing seem a bit more like a hook-up than a date, but whatever. After your recent anti-climatic date with Bald Boy you definitely won't be turning down any before-dinner sex. In fact, it actually sounds like a lovely appetizer. But several blocks from the gym you wind up getting an urgent text from the Rice Queens who are having Happy Hour drinks at G. Well, perhaps it isn't really urgent, but it's definitely more urgent (not to mention more fun) than the gym, so you make a detour down 19th Street.

G is, as usual, packed and you tell yourself that you'll only have one drink before your date because you don't want to show up to your date all sloppy. Unfortunately you slurp the first cocktail down so fast that you deem it necessary to take a poll. You ask your friends what they would think of a boy they were interested in showed up on a date a little liquored up? But that's when the Rice Queens ask you in unison, "It depends more on how interested you are in him?" And before you can answer, "Well, he's not very funny," you find yourself ordering another Stoli O' and Soda from the Red Bearded Bartender who you secretly have a crush on.

Eventually you stumble uptown to Hell's Kitchen and buzz Baby Daddy's doorbell. He instantly grants you access and you have a déjà vu moment as you make your way up the stairwell. The building looks vaguely familiar, but in a very hazy "I-don't-really-remember-hooking-up-here" kind of way. But you are relieved when Baby Daddy opens his door because there's nothing at all hazy about him or all his muscle-y glory.

Unfortunately there is no appetizer sex, and the two of you head over to etcetera etcetera on 44th for actual appetizers. You've actually been to this restaurant once before for a New Year's Party, but let's face it, it was open bar and you have absolutely no memory of how the food was. But Baby Daddy knows the owner and informs you that he gets a discount. And you, my friend, love yourself a discount! When you walk in the door Baby Daddy seems to know everybody at the front bar and they all ask him random things about his kids. You immediately think about your recent grumpy run-in with a Children International sidewalk solicitor when you told him to, "Fuck the children!" and you begin to wonder what kind of evil stepmother you would make to Baby Daddy's kids? They would definitely need some character building chores that kept them out of the house. Like scraping the gum spots off of a Times Square sidewalk or something time-consuming like that. But you digress.

Dinner turns out to be delicious and Baby Daddy orders a big ol' Martini in order to catch up to you blood alcohol level. But even with the liquor the conversation is just okay. He's a very interesting person, but in the kind of way that you're sure he'd probably be much more interesting to anybody other than you. But he's sweet. Not to mention hot. Just not so funny. At all. You even go so far as to set yourself up to be the brunt of a joke. Several times. But Baby Daddy never takes the bad sitcom bait. However, nervous laughter begins to pour out of you when a pair of random hands cover up your eyes from behind and a heavily-accented man whispers into your ear, "How about after dinner I put you in my sling and have my way with you." You are in absolute shock! Your heart pounds as you wonder how exactly you're going to explain the obviously embarrassing situation to Baby Daddy when the Date Terrorist removes his hands. The threat level immediately rises to Red when the Date Terrorist finally reveals himself and you don't even recognize him! Oy vey, this ain't gonna be good! However, when Baby Daddy finally introduces the Date Terrorist to you as his friend who owns the restaurant you instantly breathe a sigh of relief because you realize you've never met him before.

When you finally recover from your near heart-attack, you're actually a bit sad because this is exactly the type of crazy silly thing that you wish Baby Daddy would do to make you laugh. Or anybody you were dating for that matter. Unfortunately this embarrassing moment is the highlight of your date until, of course, you split the discounted check and head back to Baby Daddy's for some much deserved dessert. Things progress pretty quickly and before you know it the two of you are rolling around Baby Daddy's bed in a naked frenzy. And although his arms are the size of your thighs, Baby Daddy jumps up on top of your crotch and starts to grind back and forth. That's when Baby Daddy looks deep into your eyes and says with all seriousness, "You want to fuck that Muscle Boy, don't you?" And right then and there you realize that Baby Daddy is actually very funny. Anyway...