You're Not One of Those Opportunistic Fags...

...but you thoroughly enjoy reading about them, so when you finally get to the last page of The Fountainhead, you feel like bragging about this major accomplishment of having A.D.D. and actually finishing a 700 page book! Only nobody's around because you are sitting on the beach alone and all your friends have long since gone back to the city because they have real jobs and actual homes. You actually started reading this book long before you decided to buy the apartment in Jackson Heights, and who would know that it would take longer to renovate 500 square feet than it would to read 700 pages? Of dense literature. With a very small font. You certainly didn't. Anyway.

Luckily your homeless life on Fire Guyland is coming to an end tomorrow, and then you and your pre-cancerous tan can head back to that other gay island that puts the "man" in Manhattan. Your friend Rice Queen #2 is headed to (surprise, surprise) Asia for a week and he has graciously and generously offered you to house-sit. But today you have nothing to do but pat yourself on the back for reaching the end of an endless book and wait for Low Tea.

Luckily Thursdays are the day when A-Share Boys swap their houses with the B-Share Boys so you are thrilled to finally see some cute new faces, however, Low Tea ends up being somewhat of an empty morgue, only, instead of formaldehyde, these boys veins are flowing with Finlandia. High Tea is even less busy, but you end up meeting a guy who, although not your type, is certainly very nice and entertaining. Hell, let's face it, he's talking to you and you are starving for some oral stimulation. Between your shitty cell service and your shoddy plans, you probably haven't spoken a word to another homo-sapien since the Kinsey 8 abandoned ship on Tuesday. Somehow it doesn't seem like this boy is bragging when he tells you that he writes pop songs that you've danced to and owns bars that you've drank at. A successful writer with unlimited access to booze! What's not to like? But when Pop Slinger buys you a drink, he orders himself a bottle of water. Perhaps his success came after his sobriety set in? Hmmmmm. You ponder this puzzling problem for a millisecond before taking a sip of your Planters Punch.

You start chatting with Pop Slinger about how happy you are to be voting yourself off the island tomorrow! Back to civilization! You've never been so excited to see straight people before! But when Pop Slinger says that he's also leaving tomorrow on the noon Fairy Ferry, you inform him that he should take either the 10am or 2pm, as the noon boat has over an hour wait for the train connection. This is when Pop Slinger explains that he actually has a limo coming for his friends and him, and then asks if you'd like to hitch a ride with them. You thank him for the incredible offer, but explain that you'd like to get in some beach time before schlepping home. Pop Slinger is nice enough to hand you his card, just in case you change you mind, and then he invites you to dinner. Although you've thoroughly enjoyed chatting with him, you don't want to give him the wrong impression by accepting his offer, so you tell him a little white lie that you already have dinner plans.

As you stumble home, you wind up running into your next-door neighbor who, unlike your quarter-Cher renting ass, actually owns his beautiful beach house with his boyfriend. And when he invites you to dinner, you figure it's the neighborly thing to happily and hungrily accept his invitation. However sometime during a delicious dinner of gourmet burgers, you realize that ground round is not the only meat being grilled tonight. You find yourself in the hot seat when a few questions reveal that your friendly neighbor's boyfriend went back to the city today and, when his knee starts rubbing up against yours, you realize that Neighbor Boy must be feeling a bit neglected. Although wedging yourself into another couple's messy marriage is not your cup of tea, you find yourself between a rock and a hard place. A really hard, very attractive place.

It quickly becomes uncomfortably obvious that Neighbor Boy wants to borrow more than a cup of your sugar. Although he obviously wants to Love Thy Neighbor, his ulterior motives are as veiled by nothing more than the flimsy piece of Saran Wrap which he uses to wrap up the left-overs. Neighbor Boy isn't really all that into you, he's just really into having sex with you. This becomes ridiculously obvious when Neighbor Boy starts taking off his clothes and literally yanking you toward his hot tub. But you start to think about your romantic evening with the Daytripping Freeloader. With him there was potential. With him there still is potential. With Neighbor Boy there is nothing more than a one night stand followed by a summer of awkward "Hellos" on the beach. At Low Tea. On the boardwalk. On the ferry. Probably only awkward for you, yet awkward nonetheless.

Unfortunately by the time you have this realization you are somehow giving Neighbor Boy a blow-job. What can you say? He took his clothes off to get in the hot tub, you resisted, yadda-yadda-yadda, and now his dick somehow ended up in your mouth. Hey, it happens. No big whoop. But you kind of push him away and stand up, and, without going into your whole psychology, you simply tell Neighbor Boy that you really have to go home. This is when he calls you a tease. Although he's right on some level, you definitely feel like you were slightly seduced into becoming the tease, however you're really not interested in having a whole ridiculous conversation about it. You just feel the way you feel and there's no point in trying to defend yourself because you know you're never going to change Neighbor Boy's mind and honestly you could really care less what he thinks of you. In fact, you're 99.9% sure that he's just calling you a tease in order to guilt you into finishing off what he made you start. Funnily enough, before you leave the awkward situation, Neighbor Boy hands you his card which either means he's not that upset or perhaps that he actually likes being teased. Regardless, you say goodnight.

The next morning you wake up to a frantic text from Rice Queen #2 who has just realized that his flight to India leaves two hours earlier than he thought. So in order to meet up with him so he can give you the keys to his apartment, you need to leave on the 10am ferry. Unfortunately when you receive his text it's 9:55am. And since the noon boat has a terrible train connection, you find yourself with no other opportunity to get home so you end up giving Pop Slinger a frantic call and ask if you can take him up on his offer to tag along in his Limo back to the city. Luckily, Pop Slinger says yes and before you know it your homeless ass is cruising down the Long Island Expressway in a stretch limo while sipping champagne and singing along to that old Pet Shop Boys song, "Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money)". Anyway...